Yesterday something happened that clearly emphasized the point that our actions speak louder than words. In fact, sometimes our actions are literally screaming in stark contrast and opposition to the words we are speaking.
Case in point: If I tell our kids I love them, but I don't provide food, shelter, clothes or show an interest in their lives, then how long will it take before they question whether or not I really love them.
If I tell our kids I love them, but I constantly place my job, my hobbies or just about anything else as a higher priority than they are, then how long will it take before they question whether or not I really love them.
And if I tell our kids I love them, but I fail to show them in a way that each child understands for themselves, then how long will it take before that child starts looking for affirmation, acceptance and love somewhere other than in our home?
Each child is different and each one hears "I love you" in different ways. We have one child who thrives on individual attention. That child hears "I love you" when I sit down and talk and listen to her. Another child hears "I love you" when we do things together. It doesn't really matter what we are doing, just as long as we are doing it together. Another child hears "I love you" when I go to their events. This child thrives on the love and acceptance that another person cared enough about them to go watch what they were doing. Yet another child needs a lot of hugs to feel loved and accepted.
It is imperative to find out what speaks to each child. After you figure that part out, then you deliberately and methodically find opportunities to speak in the way that he or she understands. When that way is foreign or seems uncomfortable, you learn to do it anyway, or else you risk losing your kid. Which is more important? Your comfort or providing what your child needs to be as emotionally stable as possible? What you don't do is continue to talk to your child in a way he or she doesn't understand. That doesn't work and it is frustrating both for the parent who doesn't get the response they hoped for and the child who doesn't understand what the parent is trying to convey to him.
Everyone has heard "Do as I say, not as I do" and it's usually because the adult has made some stupid mistake and instead of owning up to it and using it as a teaching tool for our kids, we make it into an "Oops. My bad. Don't do that okay kiddo?" The proper response should be, "You know what? I really messed that up and I need to do whatever needs to be done to repair the damage I did and I need to make sure it doesn't happen again." That's a life lesson that will stick with your kids. But you have to be willing to be humble in order to use your mistakes as a teachable moment.
Another great thing to do is to laugh at mistakes. Perfection is a utopia that we will never achieve in this lifetime. Since we are all going to make mistakes, teach your kids by owning up to your mistakes, let them see and hear you apologize and ask for forgiveness if necessary and appropriate; especially if it's your children you need to apologize to! After that, laugh. Laugh loud and long and hard until the tears stream from everyone's eyes because that's what makes our adult lives seem real to our kids. When they see us able to laugh at our mistakes, they learn to take their own in stride. Who can be angry at our shortcomings and imperfections when you need a Kleenex to wipe the tears of mirth from your eyes?
What happened yesterday haunts me today and I suspect that in hindsight it will haunt someone else for years to come as well. Our kids watch what we do and when it opposes what we say to them, then it erodes the stability they need in their lives and eventually turns them into sarcastic cynics.
Someday, I hope our kids will say, "Mom, I did as you did and I said as you said." And I hope when they say that, they mean that they put their full trust and hope in our God who loves them even more than I do and who has inscribed their name on the palm of His hand. I also hope it means that they have forgiven me for all of the times I haven't followed my own advice that I have written here.
Dear Lord, let my words be few and my actions be true.
Isa 49:16 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.
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