Shhhh! Ya gotta sneak! It's supposed to be a secret! I am going to be a secret sister soon. Try saying this really fast three or four times: sneaky secret sister soon! I have never done this before but I was coerced into doing it this year. Not really, but I don't get to use the word "coerced" very often so I thought I'd just write that. All together now, "coerced". It's fun isn't it?
I am already failing at being a Secret Sister. Here's why: In order to be one, you have to fill out a questionnaire. I was able to answer the first two questions very easily.
Name.
Address.
After that it started to get dicey. The next question asked about my hobbies. I started writing down some things and then realized I was listing HABITS, not hobbies. I wondered why someone would want to know that I chew my fingernails! Oh boy. I got a minus one on the test already and there's only about ten questions!
Clearly, I needed to concentrate more. And I probably needed to put some medicine in my eye for that stupid infection that I've had for what seems like the past 15 years, but in reality has only been about five weeks now. My Grandma used to say I exaggerate a lot.
Hobbies. After wracking my brain for awhile, I came up with a pretty impressive list of two things. Since we were given four lines to write out our hobbies, I didn't know if this was enough so I had to think some more. This required me to walk around the house, crack my back, read a boo....wow...I have a reading hobby and cracking my back habit. I wrote down reading, but left off back cracking since that seemed to be off topic and far be it from me to go off topic. See above paragraph.
The next question was simple. What is your favorite color? Yay, I can answer that. My favorite color is blue of course. That's because in our family, almost everyone is born with the Blue Gene. The purpose of this gene is two-fold: the recipient of said gene likes the color blue and most of the Blue Gene recipients also have blue eyes. I only got 1.25% of the Blue Gene instead of the full two. This is evidenced by the fact that my favorite color is blue, but my eyes are some bizarre color that sometimes resemble gray, sometimes green and sometimes blue depending on what day of the week it is, what I am wearing, whether or not it's leap year or a month ending with the letter "r". Lately though, one of my eyes has been red because of that stupid infection I was talking about, so I've also been using it to scare the kids into good behavior. "If you don't straighten up, I'll make you look at my eye." Kids: "MOM! GROSS!" and then they run away from me which isn't hard to do since I have a bum eye. You can see this method of discipline is extremely effective.
Moving along...
Next question: Favorite author. Are you kidding me? You really can only list one because it's a short line. My line is still blank because I have a lot of authors I like and I'm going to have to walk around the house, crack my back a lot and sharpen my pencil before I can concentrate long enough to decide what to write on that line.
The sixth question asked about collections. Collections? That's where Gweedo, Looeegee, or maybe Stanley, from the We Are About To Take All of Your Money Medical Billing Corporation calls to ask if you plan on paying the doctor for fixing your eye, right? I think he said something to the effect of, "Better pay up right now or we will come and get your eye." Wow. Is it even legal to repo someone's eye for Pete's sake? I suppose under Obamacare anything is possible. Needless to say, I sent them a check for more than enough for TWO eyes. Your sight isn't anything to mess around with you know. Also, if they repo my eye, I'm going to have to erase my hobby stuff because I won't be able to see to do it anymore. Then I'm going to have to get a bad grade on my Secret Sister Test which will probably force the poor Secret Sister Organizer into figuring out how to grade everyone's test on a curve.
It occurred to me that perhaps I should read the question again, which is when I discovered that it really asks whether or not I collect items and if so what are they? Oh. Obviously, they were not asking about medical bills; minus two, for those keeping track; minus three if you count the blank author question. I had to get up and walk around the house to find out if I collect any items. Here's what I found out: Yes. Yes, I do in fact collect things. Apparently, I collect dust bunnies, dirty dishes and LOTS of paper. Probably dirty clothes too, but I was limiting my meandering to the first floor of the house. If I went into the basement I could probably add spiders, their webs and the occasional bat to the collections list.
After listing my dust bunny collection, I was asked about routine struggles that could be prayed about. I could probably write a book on that one, but I limited myself to the top five struggles. Among my struggles is a fear of dust bunnies because they are pure evil you know. They breed and are unruly and hide in places such as under the bed even though there's a dust ruffle on it to deter them and also on books, even though there are dust jackets on them to keep the book warm and to ward off dust bunnies. You can't trust dust bunnies so I'm afraid of them to be perfectly honest. I listed this as one of my struggles: Overcome fear of dust bunnies.
The next two questions were easy and did not require walking around or any back cracking:
Birthday.
Anniversary.
I even listed the year I was born because I simply don't care how old I am or who knows it. Admittedly, from time to time I worry about people knowing from this standpoint: Because of the Female Fear of Age Disclosure Gene that apparently most women are born with, I sometimes wonder if, when people know how old I am, they wonder why on earth I am not more mature. I imagine more mature people disdainfully intoning, "She's HOW old? She certainly doesn't act like it." Also, sometimes I compare myself with other people around my age (43) and I think, "Wow, I act like I'm about seven compared to that person; mayyyyyybe twelve on a good day." Should I worry about that? I thought maybe I should list it under routine struggles, so I erased one of my other ones and wrote "Struggles to act mature in most situations."
The next to last question was to list my favorite scripture. I started to write something down and then I immediately thought of another passage and started to write that down, then another one came to mind and another and...I think you get the picture. I'm going to have to be careful when I decide which scripture to write down because the paper is very thin from all of that erasing. It looks like the kid's math papers on a bad day! I'm also going to need to sprint around the house, crack my back and sharpen at least five pencils in order to concentrate long enough to settle on just one scripture. I wonder if I should attach a separate piece of paper and list a favorite scripture based upon whatever happens to be going on in my life at the time? Probably not, the line is pretty small so I think it's really only supposed to be one. I also didn't see anything that said, "use separate sheet of paper if necessary." which is why I am blogging about it instead.
The last question is "what else will help me surprise and support you in the coming months?" This one is very hard and there are a lot of lines to fill out, so I feel a lot of pressure over this question. Should I say, I've never had a singing telegram before so that would be pretty funny? Or, I could use about three more hours in the day if you can figure out how to arrange that. I've never driven a '57 robin's egg blue T-bird, I haven't been to Hawaii yet, or on a cruise. All of these things would surprise me, but I sort of think the only "support" this list would bring would be to encourage my myriad delusional thinking processes. I honestly don't know how to answer this question, but I better hurry up and get it figured out since I have to give this paper to the Secret Sister Organizer in less than 48 hours and if I don't answer this one I am at minus four on the test! That's flunking! On the other hand, if anyone could actually flunk the Top Secret Sister Questionnaire, it would probably be me.
The rest of what is on the questionnaire is for official use only and cannot be disclosed here because I am not an official. Plus, it's sort of boring because all it says is, assigned to, notified, file copy and original. Oops. At any rate, I don't have an official badge, car, laptop, uniform, ID number, nor do I play an official on TV. Officially, I am just me. What you see is what my poor family has had to endure all these years. Maybe I should list that under routine struggles as well. Never mind, it's supposed to be MY struggles, not my family's. They can get their own questionnaire.
You should probably feel sorry for the poor soul who gets sentenced to be my Secret Sister. If her life isn't complicated enough already, I'm sure it will be by the time she gets done reading my test.
So far, I have about a 43% on the questionnaire, but that's a secret.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
The Joint New Years Resolution List
How are you doing with your New Year's Resolutions? I'm doing great. Mostly because I didn't make any. I hardly ever do because I think it's sort of silly. If I think of something that I want to change in my life, I just try to start doing it when I think of it, otherwise I will forget. Why wait until the new year? Sometimes, that could mean having to try and remember something for 364.5 days before implementation. That's dumb.
One year I sent my sister an email on New Years Day that started off with "So far this year I have________" and I proceeded to list off everything I had done. Since we were usually up half of the night, the list was pretty short; mostly limited to "I got out of bed" or "I got dressed". Needless to say it was a ridiculous email. The funny part about it was that different times during the year one of us would email the other and say, "So have you done _________ yet this year?"
I think it was this stupid email that inevitably led to our joint New Years Resolution List.
I forget who started it, but I do remember that once it got started, the list escalated into an all out contest to see who could come up with the most ridiculous resolution. We also had to email or text each other when we broke the resolutions. Most of them were broken by the second day of the year. Some of them will NEVER be broken by either one of us and once in a very great while, a resolution or two would stand all the way until February depending on what type of dessert we had been mindlessly fixing for the past four weeks.
Here's a partial list:
1. Do not eat brownie batter.
2. Do not eat cookie dough.
3. I will not buy chocolate chip cookie dough from the refrigerator section at the store with the intentention of eating the dough and not baking the cookies. (This one is easy to get around by telling yourself that your intent was to bake the cookies and that you had to eat the dough because the entire house was void of all food sources except for the cookie dough.)
4. Do not sled off the roof of the house. This is important if you live in Florida!
5. Do not eat angel food cake batter.
6. If you eat the angel food cake batter, do not eat ALL of it or else you will get a terrible stomach ache. (One of us has personal experience with this.)
7. If you actually bake the angel food cake, do not eat ALL of the cake in one day by yourself. (One of us has personal experience with this too.)
9. Do not say bad words. (Unfortunately, from time to time, both of us have personal experience with this.)
10. If you eat a butter and brown sugar sandwich, make sure you hide it from your spouse so they don't think you are weird. This is particularly important if you are eating it on a hoagie bun and you took the time to make the butter and brown sugar into a hyper-glycemic inducing hot dog of sorts. We know our Grandma looks down upon us from Heaven with pride and with a tear in her eye, when she sees how we have perfected her culinary delight.
11. Do not eat raw Pillsbury crescent roll dough.
12. Do not, under any circumstance, eat pickled pigs feet. (Our Grandpa was a pig farmer and we know what the pigs stand in all day!)
13. Do not start smoking. (Duh, we don't smoke, never have, never will, but since everyone else always says they are going to quit, we said we wouldn't start in the new year.)
14. Do not eat liver or cow tongue under any circumstance and do your best to go to your happy place if you are ever confronted by someone willfully eating such a mess in front of you during the upcoming year.
Quickly moving along before I throw up at the thought of #14....
15. Do not fight while driving a small orange car. (yeah, yeah, more personal experience)
16. Do not make fun of other people's attire while out in public unless the target is out of earshot.
17. Do not eat cake batter. Grandma said you will get worms from it.
18. In an attempt to prove Grandma is wrong, eat the cake batter, but do not eat all of the frosting you made for the cake. (This seems like you are breaking resolution #17, but this one is really about the frosting so it's ok.)
19. While making frosting for your cake, make enough to eat some so that no one will notice. (This one is easy because it gives you permission to eat frosting!)
20. Do NOT lick cheese and then salt it. Most cheese is salty enough and yes, we know someone who does this which is why we needed a resolution to remember not to do it.
Every now and then my sister and I will be laughing really hard about something and then one of us will say, "What's wrong with us? Do other people laugh about stuff like this or is it just us? If we are asking what's wrong with us, does that mean we are really ok? Do we need some type of medication? Should we be worried? Afraid?" After rereading our Resolution List, I think it is apparent what is wrong with us.
I have to go email my sister so I can tell her I finally figured out the answer to our question! I hope the rest of you are doing a great job of making and breaking your New Years Resolutions.
One year I sent my sister an email on New Years Day that started off with "So far this year I have________" and I proceeded to list off everything I had done. Since we were usually up half of the night, the list was pretty short; mostly limited to "I got out of bed" or "I got dressed". Needless to say it was a ridiculous email. The funny part about it was that different times during the year one of us would email the other and say, "So have you done _________ yet this year?"
I think it was this stupid email that inevitably led to our joint New Years Resolution List.
I forget who started it, but I do remember that once it got started, the list escalated into an all out contest to see who could come up with the most ridiculous resolution. We also had to email or text each other when we broke the resolutions. Most of them were broken by the second day of the year. Some of them will NEVER be broken by either one of us and once in a very great while, a resolution or two would stand all the way until February depending on what type of dessert we had been mindlessly fixing for the past four weeks.
Here's a partial list:
1. Do not eat brownie batter.
2. Do not eat cookie dough.
3. I will not buy chocolate chip cookie dough from the refrigerator section at the store with the intentention of eating the dough and not baking the cookies. (This one is easy to get around by telling yourself that your intent was to bake the cookies and that you had to eat the dough because the entire house was void of all food sources except for the cookie dough.)
4. Do not sled off the roof of the house. This is important if you live in Florida!
5. Do not eat angel food cake batter.
6. If you eat the angel food cake batter, do not eat ALL of it or else you will get a terrible stomach ache. (One of us has personal experience with this.)
7. If you actually bake the angel food cake, do not eat ALL of the cake in one day by yourself. (One of us has personal experience with this too.)
9. Do not say bad words. (Unfortunately, from time to time, both of us have personal experience with this.)
10. If you eat a butter and brown sugar sandwich, make sure you hide it from your spouse so they don't think you are weird. This is particularly important if you are eating it on a hoagie bun and you took the time to make the butter and brown sugar into a hyper-glycemic inducing hot dog of sorts. We know our Grandma looks down upon us from Heaven with pride and with a tear in her eye, when she sees how we have perfected her culinary delight.
11. Do not eat raw Pillsbury crescent roll dough.
12. Do not, under any circumstance, eat pickled pigs feet. (Our Grandpa was a pig farmer and we know what the pigs stand in all day!)
13. Do not start smoking. (Duh, we don't smoke, never have, never will, but since everyone else always says they are going to quit, we said we wouldn't start in the new year.)
14. Do not eat liver or cow tongue under any circumstance and do your best to go to your happy place if you are ever confronted by someone willfully eating such a mess in front of you during the upcoming year.
Quickly moving along before I throw up at the thought of #14....
15. Do not fight while driving a small orange car. (yeah, yeah, more personal experience)
16. Do not make fun of other people's attire while out in public unless the target is out of earshot.
17. Do not eat cake batter. Grandma said you will get worms from it.
18. In an attempt to prove Grandma is wrong, eat the cake batter, but do not eat all of the frosting you made for the cake. (This seems like you are breaking resolution #17, but this one is really about the frosting so it's ok.)
19. While making frosting for your cake, make enough to eat some so that no one will notice. (This one is easy because it gives you permission to eat frosting!)
20. Do NOT lick cheese and then salt it. Most cheese is salty enough and yes, we know someone who does this which is why we needed a resolution to remember not to do it.
Every now and then my sister and I will be laughing really hard about something and then one of us will say, "What's wrong with us? Do other people laugh about stuff like this or is it just us? If we are asking what's wrong with us, does that mean we are really ok? Do we need some type of medication? Should we be worried? Afraid?" After rereading our Resolution List, I think it is apparent what is wrong with us.
I have to go email my sister so I can tell her I finally figured out the answer to our question! I hope the rest of you are doing a great job of making and breaking your New Years Resolutions.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Doing Everything for God's Glory
I saw Jesus the other day. Ok, so technically I didn't see Jesus per se, but I saw His love in action and it was an awe inspiring and humbling thing to see.
In the world's economy, those who are strongest, wisest, richest, fastest, etc. are the types of people the world gravitates to. When someone doesn't fit the description of what the world deems acceptable, that person is relegated to the corner, the little kid's table if you will. Our elderly, the mentally ill or retarded, people who for one reason or another don't seem to conform to the world's idea of "normal" are often overlooked as a non-essential part of our society.
In God's economy though, it will be these people who will be first. He tells us that the last will be first and the humble will be honored.
I watched Martha as she went about ministering to the needs of some elderly nursing home residents. She did it humbly, without reservation, with a smile radiant upon her face and it was evident that she truly enjoyed what she was doing. Because of this, Jesus' love was also apparent to anyone who would have been observing that day. One could see it in the way she took the time to call each person by name, by the way her smile reached her eyes and wasn't just a half-hearted smile. One could see it in the gentle way she touched each person and took the time to really listen to the answers each one gave to the questions she asked. She made each one feel as if he or she were the only individual in the room and because of this, she made everyone feel as if someone cared. She was acting as Jesus' hands and feet that day.
There are lots of Marthas in the world; people who quietly go about doing God's work without wanting to draw attention to themselves. They do it because the task that they are fulfilling is what God has called them to do. They do it for His glory, not for any fame or recognition they might receive.
I hope I can be more like Martha. I hope that I can cheerfully go about the work God has called me to do with a right attitude, one that reflects His heart. I hope that others can see Jesus in me like I saw in my friend the other day.
When God's people go about doing His work with His attitude, it is an amazingly beautiful thing to witness.
Matthew 23:12 And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be humbled; and whosoever shall humble himself shall be exalted.
1 Corinthians 10:31 Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.
1Pe 5:6 Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time;
7 casting all your anxiety upon him, because he careth for you.
In the world's economy, those who are strongest, wisest, richest, fastest, etc. are the types of people the world gravitates to. When someone doesn't fit the description of what the world deems acceptable, that person is relegated to the corner, the little kid's table if you will. Our elderly, the mentally ill or retarded, people who for one reason or another don't seem to conform to the world's idea of "normal" are often overlooked as a non-essential part of our society.
In God's economy though, it will be these people who will be first. He tells us that the last will be first and the humble will be honored.
I watched Martha as she went about ministering to the needs of some elderly nursing home residents. She did it humbly, without reservation, with a smile radiant upon her face and it was evident that she truly enjoyed what she was doing. Because of this, Jesus' love was also apparent to anyone who would have been observing that day. One could see it in the way she took the time to call each person by name, by the way her smile reached her eyes and wasn't just a half-hearted smile. One could see it in the gentle way she touched each person and took the time to really listen to the answers each one gave to the questions she asked. She made each one feel as if he or she were the only individual in the room and because of this, she made everyone feel as if someone cared. She was acting as Jesus' hands and feet that day.
There are lots of Marthas in the world; people who quietly go about doing God's work without wanting to draw attention to themselves. They do it because the task that they are fulfilling is what God has called them to do. They do it for His glory, not for any fame or recognition they might receive.
I hope I can be more like Martha. I hope that I can cheerfully go about the work God has called me to do with a right attitude, one that reflects His heart. I hope that others can see Jesus in me like I saw in my friend the other day.
When God's people go about doing His work with His attitude, it is an amazingly beautiful thing to witness.
Matthew 23:12 And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be humbled; and whosoever shall humble himself shall be exalted.
1 Corinthians 10:31 Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.
1Pe 5:6 Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time;
7 casting all your anxiety upon him, because he careth for you.
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