We have officially made it to our four-year anniversary today. I doubt either one of us, in our wildest dreams and/or nightmares had any idea what we were getting into when we decided to "combine forces", as Mike so eloquently stated the Sunday night he announced our impending marriage. In hindsight, it would probably have been more accurate to state that we would be "colliding forces" because the word "combine" connotes a more genteel blending than what has actually taken place.
I would like to say that we have the corner market on what works and what doesn't in combining two families with myriad hurts, quirks and other oddities. However, we don't. We are still learning and I suspect that we will still be learning how to do this until we take our last breath on this planet. The simple fact is, that it is very easy to hurt someone's feelngs in an intact first marriage with children. That fact increases significantly and in exponential numbers when one is dealing with spouses and children who have been hurt by divorce and/or abandonment. Because of this, seemingly simple requests or an off-hand comment sometimes has the potential of a time bomb because we don't always know what may trigger a memory from the first marriage or the family that existed before the Delta Deffelys did.
The past four years have been fraught with thrills, chills, spills and bills.
The Thrills
1. Three of the kids have been baptized in the past four years. It is very difficult to describe the joy and happiness in watching those new births.
2. One of the kids graduated last spring and is now working towards an accounting degree.
3. We have had the opportunity to travel quite a bit for as many people as we have in the family. Specifically, it was a thrill to meet the "New Hampshire Deffelys" (aka Mike's oldest brother and his family) shortly after we were married, when we travelled to New Hampshire for their two daughter's First Communions. This past summer, we had so much fun when we all met for a family reunion at Disney (the New Hampshire Deffelys, the Virginia Deffelys and the Delta Deffelys). We also got to go on "The Boat Trip" with our brothers and sisters from the Adrian Church of Christ. The kids still talk about these trips as if we went on them last week. They had so much fun on each one of them and all for different reasons. The trips helped cement the family as a whole.
The Chills
1. The furnace had a problem two winters ago so we decided we better get it fixed when it dipped down into the low 50's in the house. The kids were complaining because it was snowing outside and I think I also heard some of them mumbling something about having to put on winter gear to go outside and warm up. Brother.
2. Other chills have included times when Mike and I had no clue how to navigate the current crisis (and believe me, there is always a past, slightly past, current, slightly impending and you-better-watch-out-it's-about-to-blow crisis) and instead of pulling together, we both retreated to our separate corners trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation. This never works and I would like to say we are better at recognizing this, but I'm not sure if that's true just yet. Maybe in another few years. Or hopefully, 2010 will be the year we get it together.
The Spills
1. I told Mike I thought he should probably consider turning the lights on in the hallway when I heard him trip down a couple of steps about two years ago. He said he could see just fine by the light of the streetlight shining in the window. I waited until I was back in bed before I started laughing which I would like to point out is a big step in maturity for me. In the past, I would have just laughed right out loud, not considering that it might have a detrimental effect. I didn't used to have much of a filter on what strikes me as funny. Actually, this is all wishful thinking on my part. If it's funny, I laugh. But now that I'm old(er), chronologically speaking anyway, I can usually keep myself composed long enough to find out if the other person is OK before I laugh. For the record, I laugh at myself when I do stupid stuff too. It's fun and it keeps me from going too far down the perfection path that I know does not exist even though I look for it quite often.
2. Last winter I told Mike to be careful on the driveway out by the kitchen window because it was very icy. A few minutes later, I heard something but since I was too busy wiping tears from my eyes, I'm not sure if he actually fell or if it was just my imagination.
3. Three winters ago, I needed new tennis shoes. There was no tread left on mine and they were like walking on ice unless the surface was completely dry. The kids had tracked in about 16 inches of snow which of course melted right by the kitchen door. When I walked in, it was like stepping onto a skating rink and I wiped out. I had to wallow around in eight inches of water because I was laughing so hard I couldn't stand up. Later, I realized my leg really hurt. I got new shoes a couple of months after that.
The Bills
1. Truthfully, we don't have many bills but it rhymed with the other stuff I wrote and I needed another word in the "ill" family.
2. Actually, the Freightliner is the biggest bill we have and it's the hardest one to handle because you never know what's going to go wrong next. We can usually figure out when it will go wrong because it will be either right after we had to repair one of the cars or near a big holiday. That's the way life works. We figured that part out.
In Sickness and in Health
We have definitely been blessed here because none of the ten of us have really had much sickness. Some of the older kids experience migraines from time to time which are no fun at all. Obviously, we have had our share of strep throat, colds, flu-like stuff, etc. But major, catastrophic illnesses or injuries have thankfully passed us by so far.
For Better or Worse
Sometimes when it seems like we have been bombarded with one thing after another, I like to ask "is this the "for better" part?". It makes us both laugh and usually puts a little bit better perspective on things, even if it is only for the ten seconds we spent laughing at such a stupid comment.
I have also asked myself from time to time "this is "the worse" part right now correct? Because it can't get any worse than this right?" Wrong. And you shouldn't ask questions like that because it's too tempting for the fates. Whoever the fates are.
But in the end, we are so blessed because when we are in the "for better" part and things are moving along nicely and everyone is getting along for the most part, it's amazing! On the days when this happens, if one could peek in our kitchen window, one would never know that this family started out as a colliding force. The kids get along and help each other out, they pick on each other and laugh with each other and have fun together while Mike and I get along and help each other out and pick on each other and laugh with each other and have fun together. What? Isn't that supposed to be how it works?
For Richer, for Poorer
This vow is kind of funny to me because I believe people immediately think of monetary blessing when they hear it. I used to think the same thing. I know that financial issues can cause huge stress in a marriage. We experienced some of the joys of unemployment less than a year into our marriage. But I also think it refers to a general mindset. If one took a look at our bank account, one would not see a number as large as the national deficit. The good thing about this is, of course, that we don't need a ticker to watch it climb either. Or a financial planner. All we need is a basic knowledge of second grade math; addition and subtraction, usually subtraction. Somehow, we always have enough to get by. The bills have been paid, the cars repaired and we have a little left over for some fun things here and there. Though our accounts do not reflect the following statement, it is probably the truest testimony of our marriage: We are rich! Rich, I tell you!
Riches #1 - #8. We have eight kids that have been entrusted to us, to raise as godly individuals, all unique, with unique perspectives and jobs to do in Christ's body. It is an awesome, humbling responsibility and one that neither one of us take lightly.
Riches #9. We are rich! We have each other and even though we have no clue how to do stuff sometimes we have our mutual faith and basic understanding of God's love, forgiveness, grace and mercy to carry us through.
Riches #10. We are rich! We have the greatest family (biological and Christian) who have stepped in to help when we need them. They uphold us in prayer. They help us in tangible ways with babysitting services, encouragement, phone calls and cards. They laugh with us. They cry with us. They hurt and rejoice with us. They have walked beside us. They have, figuratively speaking, beaten us with two by fours when we needed it and Mike and I are both the most bullheaded individuals one will ever meet. We need a lot of 2x4s! They have pushed us, pulled for us, cheered for us and shown us God's love, His mercy, His forgiveness and His grace! There are other ways to be rich other than a large 401k, bank account or property investments. We have some monetary richness, but we are definitely rich in family! The best part about this is, that the government can't take them away. HAHA! Take that change!
I forgot about the poor part. Well, we're not poor. That's all. There's money in the bank and we have good, friends and family. It's simple. That's all we need.
Til Death We are Parted
On December 28, 2005, with Dale Morgan officiating, Michael T. and I stood before our kids, my parents, our friend and Dale's wife Connie, our friend Shelly and her kids and promised to love, honor and cherish not only each other, but also our kids. I made my vows, first to God, then to Mike, then to the kids and finally to family and friends. I didn't take them lightly four years ago and I don't take them lightly today. Each day, week, month and year that passes by, leaves me with a greater understanding of what each of those vows, those promises really mean.
Those who know the intricacies of our marriage: the joys, the triumphs, the challenges, the weaknesses, the strengths, the heartaches and the very real challenges and threats that we face each day will understand the significance of the following statement: I would not trade one second, one minute, one hour or one day of trudging through the valleys of the Deffely Collision Course for a life spent on the mountaintop. The challenges that we face show me a greater understanding of Christ's love and His sacrifice for me.
Emerson Eggerichs said this about marriage: "Marriage is a tool and test to deepen and develop our love for Christ." There isn't much else that needs to be said.
Happy Anniversary, Michael T! I love you!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The Least of These
The year 2001 was a bittersweet year for me. I had three kids under the age of four and one on the way. Towards the end of July, I left my ex-husband in order to protect the kids. He had heavily involved himself in a lifestyle that was not conducive to raising children and we were no longer safe living with him.
I arrived in Ohio with $600 in my pocket, no job and really no means of getting a job due to the pregnancy. Even though I had a college degree, we ended up on food stamps and medicaid and we were living with my mom, an arrangement that would last almost two years to the date. My mind was reeling with the speed in which my life had spun out of control. I stabilized the kids to the best of my ability and began to trust God to provide for us in ways I had never had to trust him before.
I began attending a church that was started by my cousin and some friends of his. They wanted to give me a baby shower. We received diapers of all sizes since some of the kids were still in them all day. We received clothes, food, a highchair, etc. It was such a nice and unexpected gesture and it spoke to my heart. God was taking care of us.
Over the course of the next year, diapers would mysteriously appear on Mom's porch. Gift cards with no return addresses arrived in the mail. A beloved uncle sent a check faithfully, every month for two years. I accidentally left the car unlocked one night and the next day there was a bag of coats and clothes that someone left in it.
By the following July, the divorce was final. Though child support and a small amount of alimony was court ordered, we did not receive any. We survived on the food stamps, Mom's generosity, my uncle's generosity, my Dad's generosity, the $600 I arrived with and the small amount of cash assistance I received for three months after the baby was born. No matter what the expenses were, somehow God always provided for us and I never went below that original $600.
The baby had medical problems. She was born with a soft palette cleft and my 20 month old had experienced failure to thrive when she was five months old due to a mysterious metabolic disorder that was never properly diagnosed as well as a 5mm hole in her heart. She was not walking yet and had low muscle tone which made it even worse. Because of these problems, we had either a doctor's appointment or some form of early intervention at the house on an average of every third day.
The baby was diagnosed with a nerve hearing loss at 11 weeks old, was fitted for hearing aids and was regularly wearing them by three months. She had chronic ear infections due to the cleft. She played baby Jesus in the Christmas program and promptly spit up on Mary. I don't think ten-year old Mary was all that impressed. For that matter, I'm pretty sure the wise men all yelled, "Eewwww!!!! GROSS!!!" and I'm fairly certain that was not in the script.
Through it all we were learning to put all trust, all hope in God. When we get to the end of ourselves we find Him in everything. I was asked to give my testimony on the last Sunday of the year in 2001. I immediately declined stating that I was not a public speaker among other excuses. My cousin harassed, I mean encouraged (hi Brad!) me over the course of a couple of weeks and I finally conceded that maybe, perhaps, I might be able to write something and he could read it. He agreed.
As that Sunday drew closer, I could not settle my spirit or find the words that I needed to convey the gratitude and love I had seen in tangible ways since my arrival back in Ohio the previous July. The thought of standing in front of 150 people and talking made my stomach hurt. I had no topic and a severe case of writer's block; something that I had never experienced before. I was informed I would need to do a sound check. My cousin just kind of laughed when I said he didn't need to do a sound check on me when he would be reading my testimony.
The night before I was supposed to do this, I still had no idea what to say, how to say it or how to write it. I went to my sister's house to use their computer. I played with my nieces and nephews and eventually everyone went to bed. Everyone but me. At 4:30am I churned out "The Least of These" and went home to bed. At least I had something to give my cousin.
Mom and I got up and got the kids ready for church. We only lived about two minutes away and that was if we had to wait for traffic. When I got there, my cousin asked for my testimony and then laughed when I said I didn't have a thing written except for this poem so I guessed I would have to get up there and wing it. To say that I was scared would be an understatement and I also wondered what God thought about me "winging it" on Sunday morning.
There were three people giving testimonies that day and I was the last one up. When I walked up there I was not prepared for the bright spotlight nor was I prepared to be unable to see anyone because of it. The light was so bright it was like I was up there all by myself. I said, "Wow! It's bright up here! I hope someone is out there because I can't see you." I heard some laughter so I guessed all was well. I said that I was not a public speaker and made some other stupid remark and they all laughed again which made me much more comfortable.
I gave a little background into the events that precipitated us moving back to Ohio and then I began reading Matthew 25:31-46. Or at least I tried to read it. Each time I started, my voice caught and I could not get the words out. I started this passage three times and each time it was the same thing. I was crashing and burning in front of a whole bunch of people. Or so I thought. What I realized at some point was that there was an awesome and tangible presence of Jesus in the auditorium that day. If we could see the Holy Spirit with our humans eyes, I remain convinced He would have been visible. At some point, I was finally able to read the scripture and I ended with my version of "The Least of These", written the night before.
The poem was inspired by true events. Years ago, there was a man standing with a "will work for food" sign near where I worked. I saw him there everyday for at least three weeks. One day, I knew I could not drive by him one more time. I decided I'd give him whatever was the smallest bill that I had in my wallet. However, by the time I reached him, I had been prompted to give him all of what I had. There were still a couple of days left until payday and I knew my ex-husband did not have any cash either. If I gave all of it away what would we do? "Are you going to trust Me?" was the reply.
I gave everything I had that day and I never saw the man there again. I looked for him for months afterward, but he never reappeared. I often think of that situation and realize that I probably needed this stranger more than he needed me.
The circumstances surrounding the end of my marriage brought home the reality and truth of doing unto the least of these as unto God. At that time in our lives, the kids and I definitely qualified for "the least". When situations don't look good or it seems as if God has abandoned me, I remember the stranger that needed my help. I also remember the various ways God took care of the needs of my family; sometimes through blood relatives and sometimes through relatives by the blood of Christ and I reminded that whenever we do something to help someone else, we are really doing it for Jesus.
Inspired by true events
"The Least of These"
I saw him standing near the road
his clothes were tattered and torn.
He was dirty and ragged.
He needed a shave.
His eyes looked so forlorn.
It wasn't the first time I'd noticed him there.
He'd been there everyday for a week.
But this time as I quickly drove by
a tear ran down my cheek.
I experienced a tugging at my heart.
I heard a quiet voice within.
Gently prodding, urging me
"Share My love with him."
"But Lord," I prayed, "I don't have much
and it looks like his needs are great.
what can I do to make a difference?
Besides, it's getting late.
I've got places to go and so much to do.
There's orchestra practice tonight
and also practice for the Christmas program.
We've just got to get those cues right!"
His still small voice waited patiently.
He listened to me try to explain
why I couldn't help right then
and that's when it started to rain.
The rain turned to sleet.
The sleet turned to snow.
But I journeyed on
I had places to go.
And then it dawned on me.
"Dear Lord," I prayed, "that man back there
has he no coat that he can wear?
And the sign that he held
said he'd work for food.
Lord please use me for Your own good."
"Go to him dear child and share My love.
He needs to know his Father.
He needs food, a coat and My word.
Others have passed who haven't bothered."
I went back home and found a coat,
took the Bible from it's place on the table.
I ran out the door and hurried to the car
I was ready to do what I was able.
He was still standing there
in the snow
with his sign.
I handed him the cash and the coat.
He whispered, "Thank you ma'am for your time."
His voice caught in his throat.
"My wife is sick. She may even die.
I can't find a job and don't even want to try.
I will never be able to repay you for this.
But thank you for stopping. I hope your life will be blessed."
I handed him the Bible and said, "Please, accept this gift.
I pray that as you read it, your heart will start to lift.
It's the story of our Heavenly Father
who sent His only Son.
To die upon the cross for us.
Which saved us.
Everyone.
From Him we can receive the gift
of everlasting life.
If we repent
of our sin
and live each day
just for Him."
I left the man standing pensively in the snow.
Had I done all I could have?
Quite simply, I didn't know.
And then I heard Jesus' still, small voice speaking ever so softly.
"Whatsoever you do unto the least of these, My child, you do unto Me."
-T. Bent 12/2001
I arrived in Ohio with $600 in my pocket, no job and really no means of getting a job due to the pregnancy. Even though I had a college degree, we ended up on food stamps and medicaid and we were living with my mom, an arrangement that would last almost two years to the date. My mind was reeling with the speed in which my life had spun out of control. I stabilized the kids to the best of my ability and began to trust God to provide for us in ways I had never had to trust him before.
I began attending a church that was started by my cousin and some friends of his. They wanted to give me a baby shower. We received diapers of all sizes since some of the kids were still in them all day. We received clothes, food, a highchair, etc. It was such a nice and unexpected gesture and it spoke to my heart. God was taking care of us.
Over the course of the next year, diapers would mysteriously appear on Mom's porch. Gift cards with no return addresses arrived in the mail. A beloved uncle sent a check faithfully, every month for two years. I accidentally left the car unlocked one night and the next day there was a bag of coats and clothes that someone left in it.
By the following July, the divorce was final. Though child support and a small amount of alimony was court ordered, we did not receive any. We survived on the food stamps, Mom's generosity, my uncle's generosity, my Dad's generosity, the $600 I arrived with and the small amount of cash assistance I received for three months after the baby was born. No matter what the expenses were, somehow God always provided for us and I never went below that original $600.
The baby had medical problems. She was born with a soft palette cleft and my 20 month old had experienced failure to thrive when she was five months old due to a mysterious metabolic disorder that was never properly diagnosed as well as a 5mm hole in her heart. She was not walking yet and had low muscle tone which made it even worse. Because of these problems, we had either a doctor's appointment or some form of early intervention at the house on an average of every third day.
The baby was diagnosed with a nerve hearing loss at 11 weeks old, was fitted for hearing aids and was regularly wearing them by three months. She had chronic ear infections due to the cleft. She played baby Jesus in the Christmas program and promptly spit up on Mary. I don't think ten-year old Mary was all that impressed. For that matter, I'm pretty sure the wise men all yelled, "Eewwww!!!! GROSS!!!" and I'm fairly certain that was not in the script.
Through it all we were learning to put all trust, all hope in God. When we get to the end of ourselves we find Him in everything. I was asked to give my testimony on the last Sunday of the year in 2001. I immediately declined stating that I was not a public speaker among other excuses. My cousin harassed, I mean encouraged (hi Brad!) me over the course of a couple of weeks and I finally conceded that maybe, perhaps, I might be able to write something and he could read it. He agreed.
As that Sunday drew closer, I could not settle my spirit or find the words that I needed to convey the gratitude and love I had seen in tangible ways since my arrival back in Ohio the previous July. The thought of standing in front of 150 people and talking made my stomach hurt. I had no topic and a severe case of writer's block; something that I had never experienced before. I was informed I would need to do a sound check. My cousin just kind of laughed when I said he didn't need to do a sound check on me when he would be reading my testimony.
The night before I was supposed to do this, I still had no idea what to say, how to say it or how to write it. I went to my sister's house to use their computer. I played with my nieces and nephews and eventually everyone went to bed. Everyone but me. At 4:30am I churned out "The Least of These" and went home to bed. At least I had something to give my cousin.
Mom and I got up and got the kids ready for church. We only lived about two minutes away and that was if we had to wait for traffic. When I got there, my cousin asked for my testimony and then laughed when I said I didn't have a thing written except for this poem so I guessed I would have to get up there and wing it. To say that I was scared would be an understatement and I also wondered what God thought about me "winging it" on Sunday morning.
There were three people giving testimonies that day and I was the last one up. When I walked up there I was not prepared for the bright spotlight nor was I prepared to be unable to see anyone because of it. The light was so bright it was like I was up there all by myself. I said, "Wow! It's bright up here! I hope someone is out there because I can't see you." I heard some laughter so I guessed all was well. I said that I was not a public speaker and made some other stupid remark and they all laughed again which made me much more comfortable.
I gave a little background into the events that precipitated us moving back to Ohio and then I began reading Matthew 25:31-46. Or at least I tried to read it. Each time I started, my voice caught and I could not get the words out. I started this passage three times and each time it was the same thing. I was crashing and burning in front of a whole bunch of people. Or so I thought. What I realized at some point was that there was an awesome and tangible presence of Jesus in the auditorium that day. If we could see the Holy Spirit with our humans eyes, I remain convinced He would have been visible. At some point, I was finally able to read the scripture and I ended with my version of "The Least of These", written the night before.
The poem was inspired by true events. Years ago, there was a man standing with a "will work for food" sign near where I worked. I saw him there everyday for at least three weeks. One day, I knew I could not drive by him one more time. I decided I'd give him whatever was the smallest bill that I had in my wallet. However, by the time I reached him, I had been prompted to give him all of what I had. There were still a couple of days left until payday and I knew my ex-husband did not have any cash either. If I gave all of it away what would we do? "Are you going to trust Me?" was the reply.
I gave everything I had that day and I never saw the man there again. I looked for him for months afterward, but he never reappeared. I often think of that situation and realize that I probably needed this stranger more than he needed me.
The circumstances surrounding the end of my marriage brought home the reality and truth of doing unto the least of these as unto God. At that time in our lives, the kids and I definitely qualified for "the least". When situations don't look good or it seems as if God has abandoned me, I remember the stranger that needed my help. I also remember the various ways God took care of the needs of my family; sometimes through blood relatives and sometimes through relatives by the blood of Christ and I reminded that whenever we do something to help someone else, we are really doing it for Jesus.
Inspired by true events
"The Least of These"
I saw him standing near the road
his clothes were tattered and torn.
He was dirty and ragged.
He needed a shave.
His eyes looked so forlorn.
It wasn't the first time I'd noticed him there.
He'd been there everyday for a week.
But this time as I quickly drove by
a tear ran down my cheek.
I experienced a tugging at my heart.
I heard a quiet voice within.
Gently prodding, urging me
"Share My love with him."
"But Lord," I prayed, "I don't have much
and it looks like his needs are great.
what can I do to make a difference?
Besides, it's getting late.
I've got places to go and so much to do.
There's orchestra practice tonight
and also practice for the Christmas program.
We've just got to get those cues right!"
His still small voice waited patiently.
He listened to me try to explain
why I couldn't help right then
and that's when it started to rain.
The rain turned to sleet.
The sleet turned to snow.
But I journeyed on
I had places to go.
And then it dawned on me.
"Dear Lord," I prayed, "that man back there
has he no coat that he can wear?
And the sign that he held
said he'd work for food.
Lord please use me for Your own good."
"Go to him dear child and share My love.
He needs to know his Father.
He needs food, a coat and My word.
Others have passed who haven't bothered."
I went back home and found a coat,
took the Bible from it's place on the table.
I ran out the door and hurried to the car
I was ready to do what I was able.
He was still standing there
in the snow
with his sign.
I handed him the cash and the coat.
He whispered, "Thank you ma'am for your time."
His voice caught in his throat.
"My wife is sick. She may even die.
I can't find a job and don't even want to try.
I will never be able to repay you for this.
But thank you for stopping. I hope your life will be blessed."
I handed him the Bible and said, "Please, accept this gift.
I pray that as you read it, your heart will start to lift.
It's the story of our Heavenly Father
who sent His only Son.
To die upon the cross for us.
Which saved us.
Everyone.
From Him we can receive the gift
of everlasting life.
If we repent
of our sin
and live each day
just for Him."
I left the man standing pensively in the snow.
Had I done all I could have?
Quite simply, I didn't know.
And then I heard Jesus' still, small voice speaking ever so softly.
"Whatsoever you do unto the least of these, My child, you do unto Me."
-T. Bent 12/2001
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