Our Fourth Anniversary

We have officially made it to our four-year anniversary today. I doubt either one of us, in our wildest dreams and/or nightmares had any idea what we were getting into when we decided to "combine forces", as Mike so eloquently stated the Sunday night he announced our impending marriage. In hindsight, it would probably have been more accurate to state that we would be "colliding forces" because the word "combine" connotes a more genteel blending than what has actually taken place.

I would like to say that we have the corner market on what works and what doesn't in combining two families with myriad hurts, quirks and other oddities. However, we don't. We are still learning and I suspect that we will still be learning how to do this until we take our last breath on this planet. The simple fact is, that it is very easy to hurt someone's feelngs in an intact first marriage with children. That fact increases significantly and in exponential numbers when one is dealing with spouses and children who have been hurt by divorce and/or abandonment. Because of this, seemingly simple requests or an off-hand comment sometimes has the potential of a time bomb because we don't always know what may trigger a memory from the first marriage or the family that existed before the Delta Deffelys did.

The past four years have been fraught with thrills, chills, spills and bills.

The Thrills
1. Three of the kids have been baptized in the past four years. It is very difficult to describe the joy and happiness in watching those new births.
2. One of the kids graduated last spring and is now working towards an accounting degree.
3. We have had the opportunity to travel quite a bit for as many people as we have in the family. Specifically, it was a thrill to meet the "New Hampshire Deffelys" (aka Mike's oldest brother and his family) shortly after we were married, when we travelled to New Hampshire for their two daughter's First Communions. This past summer, we had so much fun when we all met for a family reunion at Disney (the New Hampshire Deffelys, the Virginia Deffelys and the Delta Deffelys). We also got to go on "The Boat Trip" with our brothers and sisters from the Adrian Church of Christ. The kids still talk about these trips as if we went on them last week. They had so much fun on each one of them and all for different reasons. The trips helped cement the family as a whole.

The Chills
1. The furnace had a problem two winters ago so we decided we better get it fixed when it dipped down into the low 50's in the house. The kids were complaining because it was snowing outside and I think I also heard some of them mumbling something about having to put on winter gear to go outside and warm up. Brother.
2. Other chills have included times when Mike and I had no clue how to navigate the current crisis (and believe me, there is always a past, slightly past, current, slightly impending and you-better-watch-out-it's-about-to-blow crisis) and instead of pulling together, we both retreated to our separate corners trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation. This never works and I would like to say we are better at recognizing this, but I'm not sure if that's true just yet. Maybe in another few years. Or hopefully, 2010 will be the year we get it together.

The Spills
1. I told Mike I thought he should probably consider turning the lights on in the hallway when I heard him trip down a couple of steps about two years ago. He said he could see just fine by the light of the streetlight shining in the window. I waited until I was back in bed before I started laughing which I would like to point out is a big step in maturity for me. In the past, I would have just laughed right out loud, not considering that it might have a detrimental effect. I didn't used to have much of a filter on what strikes me as funny. Actually, this is all wishful thinking on my part. If it's funny, I laugh. But now that I'm old(er), chronologically speaking anyway, I can usually keep myself composed long enough to find out if the other person is OK before I laugh. For the record, I laugh at myself when I do stupid stuff too. It's fun and it keeps me from going too far down the perfection path that I know does not exist even though I look for it quite often.
2. Last winter I told Mike to be careful on the driveway out by the kitchen window because it was very icy. A few minutes later, I heard something but since I was too busy wiping tears from my eyes, I'm not sure if he actually fell or if it was just my imagination.
3. Three winters ago, I needed new tennis shoes. There was no tread left on mine and they were like walking on ice unless the surface was completely dry. The kids had tracked in about 16 inches of snow which of course melted right by the kitchen door. When I walked in, it was like stepping onto a skating rink and I wiped out. I had to wallow around in eight inches of water because I was laughing so hard I couldn't stand up. Later, I realized my leg really hurt. I got new shoes a couple of months after that.

The Bills
1. Truthfully, we don't have many bills but it rhymed with the other stuff I wrote and I needed another word in the "ill" family.
2. Actually, the Freightliner is the biggest bill we have and it's the hardest one to handle because you never know what's going to go wrong next. We can usually figure out when it will go wrong because it will be either right after we had to repair one of the cars or near a big holiday. That's the way life works. We figured that part out.

In Sickness and in Health
We have definitely been blessed here because none of the ten of us have really had much sickness. Some of the older kids experience migraines from time to time which are no fun at all. Obviously, we have had our share of strep throat, colds, flu-like stuff, etc. But major, catastrophic illnesses or injuries have thankfully passed us by so far.

For Better or Worse
Sometimes when it seems like we have been bombarded with one thing after another, I like to ask "is this the "for better" part?". It makes us both laugh and usually puts a little bit better perspective on things, even if it is only for the ten seconds we spent laughing at such a stupid comment.

I have also asked myself from time to time "this is "the worse" part right now correct? Because it can't get any worse than this right?" Wrong. And you shouldn't ask questions like that because it's too tempting for the fates. Whoever the fates are.

But in the end, we are so blessed because when we are in the "for better" part and things are moving along nicely and everyone is getting along for the most part, it's amazing! On the days when this happens, if one could peek in our kitchen window, one would never know that this family started out as a colliding force. The kids get along and help each other out, they pick on each other and laugh with each other and have fun together while Mike and I get along and help each other out and pick on each other and laugh with each other and have fun together. What? Isn't that supposed to be how it works?

For Richer, for Poorer
This vow is kind of funny to me because I believe people immediately think of monetary blessing when they hear it. I used to think the same thing. I know that financial issues can cause huge stress in a marriage. We experienced some of the joys of unemployment less than a year into our marriage. But I also think it refers to a general mindset. If one took a look at our bank account, one would not see a number as large as the national deficit. The good thing about this is, of course, that we don't need a ticker to watch it climb either. Or a financial planner. All we need is a basic knowledge of second grade math; addition and subtraction, usually subtraction. Somehow, we always have enough to get by. The bills have been paid, the cars repaired and we have a little left over for some fun things here and there. Though our accounts do not reflect the following statement, it is probably the truest testimony of our marriage: We are rich! Rich, I tell you!
Riches #1 - #8. We have eight kids that have been entrusted to us, to raise as godly individuals, all unique, with unique perspectives and jobs to do in Christ's body. It is an awesome, humbling responsibility and one that neither one of us take lightly.
Riches #9. We are rich! We have each other and even though we have no clue how to do stuff sometimes we have our mutual faith and basic understanding of God's love, forgiveness, grace and mercy to carry us through.
Riches #10. We are rich! We have the greatest family (biological and Christian) who have stepped in to help when we need them. They uphold us in prayer. They help us in tangible ways with babysitting services, encouragement, phone calls and cards. They laugh with us. They cry with us. They hurt and rejoice with us. They have walked beside us. They have, figuratively speaking, beaten us with two by fours when we needed it and Mike and I are both the most bullheaded individuals one will ever meet. We need a lot of 2x4s! They have pushed us, pulled for us, cheered for us and shown us God's love, His mercy, His forgiveness and His grace! There are other ways to be rich other than a large 401k, bank account or property investments. We have some monetary richness, but we are definitely rich in family! The best part about this is, that the government can't take them away. HAHA! Take that change!

I forgot about the poor part. Well, we're not poor. That's all. There's money in the bank and we have good, friends and family. It's simple. That's all we need.

Til Death We are Parted
On December 28, 2005, with Dale Morgan officiating, Michael T. and I stood before our kids, my parents, our friend and Dale's wife Connie, our friend Shelly and her kids and promised to love, honor and cherish not only each other, but also our kids. I made my vows, first to God, then to Mike, then to the kids and finally to family and friends. I didn't take them lightly four years ago and I don't take them lightly today. Each day, week, month and year that passes by, leaves me with a greater understanding of what each of those vows, those promises really mean.

Those who know the intricacies of our marriage: the joys, the triumphs, the challenges, the weaknesses, the strengths, the heartaches and the very real challenges and threats that we face each day will understand the significance of the following statement: I would not trade one second, one minute, one hour or one day of trudging through the valleys of the Deffely Collision Course for a life spent on the mountaintop. The challenges that we face show me a greater understanding of Christ's love and His sacrifice for me.

Emerson Eggerichs said this about marriage: "Marriage is a tool and test to deepen and develop our love for Christ." There isn't much else that needs to be said.

Happy Anniversary, Michael T! I love you!