Rant 'n Rave: I am so sick and tired of hearing the term "connect". Please. We log into our Facebook accounts, send texts, email, tweets, twits, etc. and we say we are somehow more connected. The simple fact is, yes, thanks to these wonders of technology I am now able to know down to the second, when my friends and family are eating nachos or going to the grocery store, but are we really more connected? I don't think so. I can't even recognize their voices anymore because no one talks to anyone anymore. All of our "connectedness" is perceived because we know these strange facts about our friends/family. However, the gritty stuff that cements relationships are not tweeted, texted, emailed or Facebooked. Next time you need some human contact, try hugging your iphone and see if it helps lift your spirit.
Ahem...
So, the smartphone. Let's be clear, I am NOT going to own something that is apparently smarter than I am. My IQ is in the middle genius range (ok, I know I don't act like it, but it is, I swear!) and yet, I was unable to control this phone. It was an Evo Shift although truthfully, it took me about five minutes after carrying it out of the Sprint store for me to start referring to it as the "Evil Shift". Poor Mike. After about the 8th time, I'm sure he was ready to throw the phone or possibly even me out the window. Although truthfully, I would like to see him try to get me through the window. I think it would involve a lot of pushing and probably pulling too. At any rate, I'm sure he was ever so thrilled to have to sit and listen to me recount what the Evil Shift had done when he would call home.
Mike: "How are the kids today?"
Me: "The kids are fine, but do you know what this stupid Evil Shift did today? It randomly called someone while it was laying on the table! I wasn't even in the room! I wasn't holding it, looking at it and I wasn't even thinking about calling someone. In fact, it was in the firebox, in a vault, locked away so it couldn't read anyone thoughts and start in on it's rogue behavior. It dialed people anyway! I hate this phone."
Mike: "I thought you said it was laying on the table? How can it be in the firebox and a vault and laying on the table? When did we get a vault?"
Me: "What vault? What are you talking about? The point is, how does it do that? Why does it do that? I probably will take it back but I was trying to give it a chance."
Mike: "T, really? You're giving a phone a chance? Can you hear what you are saying? That's weird. Take it back if you don't like it."
Me: "I don't like it. I think it's possessed."
Mike: "I....nt........r........u...............talk.......r...."
Then the line went dead. I think he hung up on me, but he said he lost the signal. That's the nice thing about cell phones. One can't really prove or disprove when the signal is lost.
Anyway, back to giving the phone a chance. A chance for what? Repentance from it's evil ways? I'm telling you if Satan were an electronic device, he would be this phone. In no particular order, this is what it did:
1. Randomly called people.
2. Would not allow me to delete the contact information for someone who was deceased and instead intermittently kept calling her.
3. Posted something weird on FB TWICE which required me to hurry up and log into my account on the computer so I could delete it.
4. Randomly called people when the phone was NOT EVEN IN MY HAND and sometimes not even in the same room I was in.
5. While scrolling through contact information, if the rolling scroll stopped and I swiped it in order to continue looking for the entry I needed, it would start dialing the person it stopped on.
6. Continuously reported the weather forecast in Siberia even though I had it set to my zip code.
7. Allowed me to download a biography of Ben Franklin that I started reading in my spare time on this stupid phone "because I could", instead of reading it in book form. Evidently, the idea of continuously swiping the page to turn it every 4.3 seconds was much more convenient to me than reading the book sitting on the shelf.
8. Caused me to be overly concerned about dropping, scratching, shattering or otherwise damaging the sensitive touchscreen. In fact, I don't even think I was as nervous about accidentally dropping one of my newborns as I was about dropping this stupid phone.
I tried to like this phone. I would look at it in the morning and think, "Today will be the day I like this phone. It won't dial people I don't need to talk to and it won't tell me that Siberia is getting another 14 inches of snow. Today will be the day it will be compliant."
Then, I picked the stupid thing up while the screen was locked and immediately it posted to FB that I was currently walking down the hallway anticipating walking downstairs and was about to start working on some business reports.
Really?
I tried to like you Evil Shift. I did the best I could do, but you randomly called my Dad four different times while I had you in my possession. The fact that he had to call me on HIS cell to ask if it was me that just called was disturbing to me. Suddenly, my Dad was more technologically advanced than me? The fact that you repeatedly posted stuff I was doing (or not doing) on FB without my permission was also disturbing, not to mention outright boring to my poor friends and family who had to read it. Now, the game is up for me and they finally know that my life is just as boring as theirs is even though I have a husband, eight kids, two dogs, several motor vehicles of which one is usually needing some kind of repair/maintenance, a Freightliner (money pit), a house, two home businesses between my husband and myself AND this blog. Oh, and we homeschool some of the kids too.
Like I said, boring.
This stupid Evil Shift made me look like I had the technology IQ of about 7. Did I mention that I don't like it when I look foolish? Unless it's by my own choice <---which I had to add for those who have seen me parading around in public in the happy hat and also on at least one occasion parading around in the happy hat AND the happy birthday mickey ears hat that we got last year at Disney.
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| Beware the Evil Shift |
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| The Happy Hat (only mine is sky blue and yellow) |
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| The Happy Birthday Mickey Ears Hat (Everyone at our house is required to wear this during the singing of Happy Birthday while we do the requisite photo shoot with the cake.) |
I called the customer service girl and she laughed at me when I called it the Evil Shift. I think she was one of the phone's minions, but she said I could return it for up to 30 days, so I took it back. I told the kid at the store that I really disliked the phone and he looked at me like:
1. I had three heads.
2. I accidentally forgot to remove my happy hat before I came in the store.
3. The Evil Shift had called him to report that I was coming and possibly disclosed sensitive information regarding my possible need for medication.
But, he helpfully put my name in the lineup and after about two hours which I spent reading my downloaded Franklin biography (which almost caused me to change my mind about returning the phone because it IS kind of cool to be able to read stuff even when you forgot to bring a book), I returned the phone. To the Sprint employee I said, "I bet you never had anyone return this phone in order to downgrade." She just laughed and said I would be surprised at what people did. Then she helpfully told me if I was going to get a Blackberry it would be another $10/month for the internet service even though we have that included in our bill. Apparently, Sprint required it on all new Blackberry contracts.
Which is why I now have the dumbphone. It is wholly compliant and exerts no rogue behavior that I know of. It stores contact information that requires you to repeatedly push the button to scroll through, calls people only when I want it too, only posts stuff on FB if I feel like sitting there for an hour while it connects to the net, logs into FB and then posts what I tell it to and texts. That's it.
Here's another weird thing: the two books I downloaded to the Evil Shift from Sprint's store, somehow downloaded themselves to my new Nookcolor which Mike got for me for my birthday about a week ago. Since I did not go to Sprint's library in order to look for nook books (hahaha, that's funny if you read it fast), I can only assume that the Evil Shift is stalking me and I will never truly be rid of it.
(insert creepy, evil laugh here) :)
