My sister and brother-in-law were scheduled to go to Italy and other parts of Europe for most of the month of June. Since they have nine dogs, this required scheduling a dog-sitter to come and stay at their house to take care of them. After they scheduled the person who usually does this for them and started finalizing the plans for their trip, the dog sitter called and said she couldn't do it. Mel called and told me what had happened and was pretty upset that the dog-sitter had backed out on them. We were scheduled for a family reunion with Mike's brothers at Disney from July 2 - July 9 and since we were already heading down south, then why not add a few days or in this case a month or so and take care of the dogs? We were already going to be there, sort of, and they already had a lot of plans in place for their European vacation.
Thus, the Summer of Laziness was born.
It had been a year since Mel told me they were planning their trip and we joked around at that time about us coming to stay with the dogs then. I guess we should have just planned on it from the beginning.
In order for me to be away from my job for most of the summer, it required me working a lot of long and late hours during the last part of the school year so we could go. I looked at my schedule and pushed everything I needed to do in June and part of July into May. I finished most of what I wanted to get done, packed a few things that didn't and headed South on May 30 for 7 weeks of sweltering heat and dog kisses. Suffice it to say that in some ways I had no idea what we were getting into.
The kids were already in Gatlinburg because they left the last day of school and travelled with Dad so they didn't have to ride the whole way to Florida in one stretch. They were pretty hyped up about seeing Aunt Mel, Uncle Larry and the dogs by the time I met up with them four days later, so I'm sure any thoughts Dad and Stephanie might have had of a peaceful break in the mountains went out the window until the kids were picked up. They had only known about this part of the trip for three days. Since they were still in school, I didn't tell them until two days before the school year was over that we were heading down to take care of the dogs. I figured once I told them, they weren't going to be able to get anything done at school.
We arrived at Mel's house and met the dogs for the third time. I'm not sure if they actually remembered us but maybe they did. We had seen them in December of last year and everyone, kids and dogs alike were excited at the prospect of spending the summer together. Ok. I did not actually verify this with the dogs and they really had no idea what was about to happen to them. I'm just saying that there was a lot of tail wagging, jumping, barking and kissing going on.
Here's the cast of characters:
Rascal aka "Wascal" aka "Wascally Wabbit" is the most senior of the dogs at age 10. He is a gray mini poodle with all of the usual poodle attributes. He is usually a sweet little dog but when he was sleeping on the kids bed, he growled and curled his lip at me when I had to come in to get him and take him outside. At one point, I was actually more concerned that he was going to bite me when I had to take him outside than I ever was about any of the 75lb+ shepherds. Go figure. He likes to cuddle up on the couch or the chair or really any place, anyone will let him. This dog is a little attention sponge. He has an amazingly funny and slightly irritating way of barking when he is excited. The first time I heard it I thought he was hurt but then I quickly discovered that he was just happy.
Mikko aka "Meek" aka "Meeky" is the most senior of the shepherds. He is a white shepherd but he has some color on his back. I think he is around five years old now. He has hip displaysia so he doesn't do a lot of playing around as much as the other dogs. He likes to play by himself sometimes because the other dogs knock him down due to his hips. Mikko likes to mark his food dish with his tennis balls and it is not uncommon to find two or three piled up in his dish. He is pretty laid back but is definitely the alpha dog of the pack although he is a quiet ruler. Meek has a very sweet personality and there were plenty of times I saw a kid or two laying on one of the dog beds with Meek stretched out beside them. Meek lived through the three hurricanes that hit this part of the state a few years ago. Prior to that, he was not afraid of storms. After that though, he developed a pretty healthy fear thunderstorms. Poor Meek sometimes has to take the equivalent of Valium but he is usually ok if he is in the main part of the house with his humans.
Angelo aka "Ang" is the other white male shepherd. He is snow white and very regal in his attitude and appearance. If he was human, he would probably be very confident and possibly slightly conceited. Most likely he would be some type of businessman. Ang has a very neat personality also. He would stand all day and let you pet him and if anyone else tried to hone in on his attention, he would have to give them a warning growl that he was not going to share his attention at that time. He likes to play ball and would race Dakota when they were out together. When he was laying around the house, he reminded me a little of the Fonz. Ang is very cool and all the kids would want to be like him if he was in high school. He is also Tebo's teacher and occasionally puts Teeb in his place by growling at him until he submits. Once Tebo does what Ang wants him to do, he is happy and usually walks away.
Dakota aka "Kota Girl" is the female white shepherd. She is larger than the boys. This dog would die from a heart attack chasing Frisbees, balls and anything else you might throw her way before she would consider stopping. We had to be really careful when we took her outside to play because it was so hot and she likes to play ball so much. She is a very sweet dog also. She was always ready for something, anything and could smile up a storm. She is sometimes clumsy and frequently stepped on my foot when I let her in and out of the house. At 125 lbs., that really didn't feel so good. When she wasn't playing ball, she would lay down and let the kids pet her but she is really a very big bundle of energy.
Tebo aka "Teeb" is the newest addition to the family, joining when we were down there in December. He's a black and tan shep, not quite a year old yet. He is slightly bigger than Mikko, almost as tall as Angelo, has huge paws and is very beautiful. He has to watch the older shepherds to understand what he is supposed to be doing and if he is separated from them, he doesn't know what to do with himself. He likes to play but is sometimes confused about the rules of playing ball (i.e, "You mean you want me to drop it, bring it back to you, oh look at the little lizardddd...."). However, he could sit on command even if he didn't want to stay sitting long enough to get a hug. Also, the older, wiser sheps have to put him in his place when he gets out of line so he understands that he is not the alpha or even the beta dog here.
Kyla aka "Kyla Pup" is a schnauzer of about three years old. She likes to yodel and can stand on her hind legs and twirl around for a treat. She is slightly neurotic and guards her toys as if her life depends on it. She sleeps under the bed sometimes with only her stubby tail sticking out and has the most beautiful eyelashes. There are women who would kill to have eyelashes like hers. Kyla never stopped barking at us every time we opened the pocket door to the spare bedrooms. Those rooms aren't used very often so she wasn't used to someone going in and out. It was funny. Kyla is kind of a loner but occasionally she would join in the fray. Sometimes, seemingly out of nowhere, she would start barking and stir up everyone else. She probably had good reason to bark but I never figured out what it was. She loved for us to pet her but only if it was within eyesight of her toys.
Spirit aka "Spirity" is a black, silver Skye terrier. Skyes are funny shaped dogs from Scotland and as with many terrier breeds, were used to catch vermin back in the old days. They are long with very short legs of about 3 or 4 inches. If they stand on their hind legs, they are able to easily reach the counter. Anyway, Spirit came to Mel after the death of her beloved 20 year old Yorkie, BJ. Spirit is a happy little/big dog with a huge personality. She can be pretty stubborn and on more than one occasion we had to carry her outside to go to the bathroom because she was busy doing something else; usually lounging around on the arm of the couch. She would race around the bed or up and down the couch with her ears pricked up and a mischievous smile on her face. Spirit was very generous with her kisses and loved getting pets from us.
Echo aka "Echo Pupper Dog" aka "Sweetie Pup" is also a black, silver Skye and for the following reasons, she stole my heart. Echo had been abused at her previous home and it took over a year for her to develop trust. When I saw her in December I could see that she wanted to be friendly and she wanted to have some pets from us. She was so curious about who we were, but she was just too afraid and so she had to make do with observing safely out of range of hands and feet that had probably once done damage to her. The day before we left last December, Echo hopped up on the bed and sat beside me, licking my hand. She was ok with this arrangement as long as I didn't actually make eye contact with her. She stayed that way for a long time and it made me sad to leave because I could see how much she really wanted to connect, but her past would not allow her to. I wanted to pick her up and hug her but I knew that would probably scare the daylights out of her so I just quietly talked to her instead.
What a difference six months makes!
When we arrived this summer, I was so happy to see that Echo had made a major breakthrough in being able to trust humans. When we arrived, I wasn't sure who was Spirit and who was Echo because she had joined in the happy, barking, licking, jumping, running around love fest that was going on. Mel said she spent a long time just working with her and being patient and gradually, Echo learned to trust that not all people are jerks who want to hurt her. It was an amazing transformation from what I had seen in December. This was the one dog I was worried about when we decided to come to take care of them. I didn't want her to be even more afraid with four kids running around her house, I wasn't sure if she would warm up to us and I was afraid it might be a really long summer for her. Turns out I didn't need to worry about it after all. She smiles too.
Scout aka "Scouty" aka "Scouter Dog" aka "Vulture Dog" after his penchant for perching on the back of the couch, is a buff colored Skye. He is a happy little man with a big personality. He likes to protect to the point of even growling at the sheps from time to time even though they are ten times bigger than he is. In an entry I plan on writing later, you will see how this attitude got him into some scary trouble though. Anyway, he smiles a lot and when he is in protection mode, I would not want to go toe to toe with him. He might be a short dog, but he weighs somewhere around 25 lbs or so and he can pack a punch. Mel says Scouty is like Eeyore. He can really work the pathetic act and make you feel sorry for him. He likes to cuddle on the couch also but mostly, he just loves to have his belly rubbed. Scouty is perfectly incapable of not turning over on his back for belly rubs. I believe I saw this dog laying on his back more than I saw him on his stomach. He has a silly personality and is probably the alpha male of the small dogs if there is such a thing. Scouty prances when he walks and of course he smiles too.
I loved having the opportunity to take care of these dogs this summer and I had a lot of fun doing it. They are all unique individually and as a whole and they work together to create a really neat environment. Each one makes a special contribution to the whole unit and I loved them all.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Florida Fashion
I am by no means a fashion consultant. If you ask me whether or not something goes together I will probably say yes as long as it isn't purple and blue or orange and red in the same outfit. If it's clean and the colors don't make me throw up or clash, then it works for me. Once I actually wore something to church and asked someone if what I had on looked ok together. A friend felt sorry for me and actually went to the store and showed me what would look good on me. She was right too. How did she know that? Usually, I feel as if I have a mutated fashion gene when I am around people like that.
Stuff that looks good on other people or on the mannequin usually makes me look like I'm trying to be 23 again instead of 42. I know basic things such as white goes with everything and for the most part, so does black, unless of course it's brown, then it doesn't work. Who made up that rule? Stacy and Clinton? It sounds suspiciously like the "'i' bfore 'e' except after 'c' rule in spelling which I happen to have a much better grasp of than fashion. Because I knew the "white with everything" rule, for awhile I had a lot of white shirts, a few different colors for shorts and maybe a pair of white dress pants.
Then someone had to go and start the khaki bandwagon. What? What am I supposed to wear with that? Red? Blue? Black? White, perhaps? Was khaki supposed to be the new white similar to brown as the new black that I heard awhile ago? I looked in the crayon box, white is not khaki and brown is not black. They are all separate crayons. Check it out for yourself. The back to school supplies are in stock at your local WalMart by now. It took me awhile to be able to say "khaki" without laughing let alone trying to find something to wear with it. The word khaki sounds like something an infant would do that would require a lot of baby wipes to clean up. Anyway, I also know you aren't supposed to wear white before Memorial Day so I had a real problem from about Labor Day through May. Sometimes I pushed the limits and wore my white into October. I figured if we could still see the sun in NW Ohio, I could still wear white.
The real dilemma was what to wear in the winter. I guess once upon a time someone happened to be wearing white and was standing out by their mailbox and got run over by a snowplow. This prompted the Department of Transportation to mandate a new law disallowing the wearing of white in the winter. Of course that prompted the fashion gurus to come up with a new color called "winter white" which everyone knows is really "off white" or "eggshell" or "bone" which is what my Dad paints all of his walls with because it goes with everything. Good thing I knew this so I could stock up on winter white fashion. I also had a small amount of black for safety measures. You never know when there might be a blizzard and you have to go to your mailbox since everyone knows the post office delivers mail in all types of weather except for possibly hurricanes. The only rule I know of in this situation is you should be careful about wearing black and white together because it looks a little bit like you just got released from jail.
I usually look like I've either just stepped out of the barn for a few minutes or else I look like a general slop. Sometimes, I manage to pull off both looks at the same time, which I personally refer to as "multiple fashion errors". When I go to the store, I look at "nice" clothes but then somehow I always end up with another blue t-shirt instead of a dress. For the record, I haven't worn a dress since Mike and I got married. As for him, he wore a long sleeved blue t-shirt. And jeans. We might have promised to love, honor, cherish and make sure the other one doesn't look too sloppy when we go out for dinner but I can't remember that part for sure without getting out the video.
Do you see the problem here? It isn't as if we don't know better. It's just that we usually think we can get another year or two out of our clothes since it's the kids who are growing out of theirs faster than I can spell Hollister, Abercombie or run a google search to see if I spelled those correctly and to figure out what happened to Fitch. The problem with getting another year or two out of clothes is that if you do it too many times pretty soon people are pointing and laughing at your rainbow shirt and Jordache jeans from the 80's. Now that was some real fashion, but only if you had the jeans with the embellishment on the pockets. Plain pockets were nerdy.
A few years ago I was scrolling through the TV lineup when I ran across the show "What Not to Wear". Well, clearly I have a problem so I thought I'd watch and pick up a tip or two. After watching this show, I can safely say that if I'm wearing it, Stacy and Clinton would be yelling at me to throw it away if I was on that show. That would probably hurt my feelings similar to when Mom threw out my old Nike hightops. What was she thinking? Those were the most comfortable pair of shoes I had ever owned and she ditched them just because the sides were ripped out. Man. Stacy and Clinton are terrifying, merciless and also pretty funny. Some of the stuff they make people throw away make you wonder...as if I have any room to talk.
After spending the summer in Florida I can safely say that while I may not dress like a fashionista (what is that anyway? Is it Spanish?) I try to make the attempt not to offend anyone with my sloppiness. For instance, I reserve my holey clothes for wearing at home, unless it's just a small hole under the arm or something. If I had a garden, these shirts would be "garden shirts". This is a term my sister's and I had to come up with due to an incredibly ugly shirt our Mom passed off to Val and told her if it was too ugly she should wear it in the garden. I guess that was good advice except for the part where her plants all died due to the ugliness of that shirt.
Anyway, this is what I learned about fashion while we were in Florida based upon what I observed.
It was Star Wars weekend at Disney's Hollywood Studios, formerly known as MGM Studios and it was hot. While we were there we saw kids and adults dressed like various Star Wars characters. Jedi's were running around with those brown robes on, I saw a few Darth Vaders dressed completely in black, some people had masks on. Really? Did I mention it was hot? It was over 100 degrees with the humidity that day. All I can say is that George Lucas would have been paying me to wear that stuff in that type of heat. Crazy.
If it's really, really hot (as opposed to just really hot) and you need to go to the public swimming pool to cool off, it is perfectly fine to wear a pair of white capris so skintight that you can see your mottled skin through them. The mottling occurs because the pants should be at least two sizes too small, thus ensuring they will cut off the blood supply to your lower limbs. This fashion statement is acceptable for those who are 300 lbs or more. It would be considerate to make sure you stay away from the kiddie section so as not to frighten small children thereby causing them to drown and avoiding all the hoopla associated with that type of scenario, although it is not a requirement. I would mention that apparently it's fine to wear this with nothing on underneath except for I was trying to keep this blog so that the kids could read it if they wanted to. If you wear this to the pool, and people shout "Eeewwww" when you walk by, you might deserve it.
Since we were at Disney for awhile, there is always someone who thinks wearing black socks with Tevas, Birkenstock or Crocs is a good idea. I saw women and men doing this so apparently these types of shoes are gender neutral like they tried to make neckties a few years ago. Remember that stupidity? Just so we are clear on this, I'm not wearing a tie any sooner than I'm going to wear a dress. If men don't want to wear a tie, why would I want to? Similarly, if I'm not going to wear a dress, why would a man want to? Oops. Anyway, it's possible that I don't understand the point of these types of shoes. Personally, I wear my Birks because my feet hate to be confined in shoes and socks and if I wore a pair of flip flops I would probably get a cramp in my foot. That's another reason why I would be voted off the "What Not to Wear" island. Stacy and Clinton hate Birks don't they?
Apparently, anything goes as a swimsuit at a waterpark and that's all I'm going to say since this is supposed to be a rated G blog. At one point , I thought my eyes were going to fall out of my head when I saw some of the things people thought were acceptable to wear. And in all sizes. I mean ALL sizes. Let's put it this way, WalMart sells underwear with more coverage than some of the swimwear I saw at Blizzard Beach and Typhoon Lagoon. In fact Mike and I laughed at one suit we saw when I stated, "I want to see her go down Summit Plummet with that on." Or not. Thanks anyway.
Flip flops of all types are acceptable forms of fashion. Just ask my kids. Also, I have no room to talk since Birkenstocks really aren't that much different except for I could buy a lot more pairs of flips at WalMart for what I pay for my Birks and they generally don't make a racket when I walk in them. However, I was really surprised by the guy who was wearing flip flops with, are you sitting down? Get ready. Big reveal coming up here. Toe socks. I am not lying. I am also not lying when I say that for all of my own fashion faults, when I saw that, I did a full out laugh. The good thing about it was that someone clueless enough to wear something like that, is usually clueless enough not to think someone laughing to the point of tears is not laughing at them because what could they be doing that is so funny?
Here are a few of my own fashion rules:
1. Please look in the mirror before you leave the house and make sure what you are wearing is the right size. If it isn't people are likely to make comments such as "Nice outfit. Did they have it in your size?" Once I saw someone wearing a yellow leather skirt. These were my comments:
a. I had no idea cows came in yellow.
b. How many cows had to die to make that skirt? (it was a big, yellow leather skirt)
c. Nice skirt. I guess they didn't have it in her size.
d. Yellow? Leather? Should these two things go together?
2. If you have to ask does this make me look too ___ (big, little, short, tall, skinny, fat, etc.) then you already know the answer.
3. Don't make your husband tell you something makes you look too fat. That's what your friends are for and he's worried if he tells you the truth, you will put poison in his food next time you fix supper.
4. Certain outfits should not be made in certain sizes.
5. The federal government should make a law banning spandex from this country, all clothing made from this material and the sweatshops churning out items made with this material.
You should feel sorry for Stacy and Clinton. From what I have observed this summer, they have a lot of work to do and they need to get cracking. I'm probably the least of their worries.
Stuff that looks good on other people or on the mannequin usually makes me look like I'm trying to be 23 again instead of 42. I know basic things such as white goes with everything and for the most part, so does black, unless of course it's brown, then it doesn't work. Who made up that rule? Stacy and Clinton? It sounds suspiciously like the "'i' bfore 'e' except after 'c' rule in spelling which I happen to have a much better grasp of than fashion. Because I knew the "white with everything" rule, for awhile I had a lot of white shirts, a few different colors for shorts and maybe a pair of white dress pants.
Then someone had to go and start the khaki bandwagon. What? What am I supposed to wear with that? Red? Blue? Black? White, perhaps? Was khaki supposed to be the new white similar to brown as the new black that I heard awhile ago? I looked in the crayon box, white is not khaki and brown is not black. They are all separate crayons. Check it out for yourself. The back to school supplies are in stock at your local WalMart by now. It took me awhile to be able to say "khaki" without laughing let alone trying to find something to wear with it. The word khaki sounds like something an infant would do that would require a lot of baby wipes to clean up. Anyway, I also know you aren't supposed to wear white before Memorial Day so I had a real problem from about Labor Day through May. Sometimes I pushed the limits and wore my white into October. I figured if we could still see the sun in NW Ohio, I could still wear white.
The real dilemma was what to wear in the winter. I guess once upon a time someone happened to be wearing white and was standing out by their mailbox and got run over by a snowplow. This prompted the Department of Transportation to mandate a new law disallowing the wearing of white in the winter. Of course that prompted the fashion gurus to come up with a new color called "winter white" which everyone knows is really "off white" or "eggshell" or "bone" which is what my Dad paints all of his walls with because it goes with everything. Good thing I knew this so I could stock up on winter white fashion. I also had a small amount of black for safety measures. You never know when there might be a blizzard and you have to go to your mailbox since everyone knows the post office delivers mail in all types of weather except for possibly hurricanes. The only rule I know of in this situation is you should be careful about wearing black and white together because it looks a little bit like you just got released from jail.
I usually look like I've either just stepped out of the barn for a few minutes or else I look like a general slop. Sometimes, I manage to pull off both looks at the same time, which I personally refer to as "multiple fashion errors". When I go to the store, I look at "nice" clothes but then somehow I always end up with another blue t-shirt instead of a dress. For the record, I haven't worn a dress since Mike and I got married. As for him, he wore a long sleeved blue t-shirt. And jeans. We might have promised to love, honor, cherish and make sure the other one doesn't look too sloppy when we go out for dinner but I can't remember that part for sure without getting out the video.
Do you see the problem here? It isn't as if we don't know better. It's just that we usually think we can get another year or two out of our clothes since it's the kids who are growing out of theirs faster than I can spell Hollister, Abercombie or run a google search to see if I spelled those correctly and to figure out what happened to Fitch. The problem with getting another year or two out of clothes is that if you do it too many times pretty soon people are pointing and laughing at your rainbow shirt and Jordache jeans from the 80's. Now that was some real fashion, but only if you had the jeans with the embellishment on the pockets. Plain pockets were nerdy.
A few years ago I was scrolling through the TV lineup when I ran across the show "What Not to Wear". Well, clearly I have a problem so I thought I'd watch and pick up a tip or two. After watching this show, I can safely say that if I'm wearing it, Stacy and Clinton would be yelling at me to throw it away if I was on that show. That would probably hurt my feelings similar to when Mom threw out my old Nike hightops. What was she thinking? Those were the most comfortable pair of shoes I had ever owned and she ditched them just because the sides were ripped out. Man. Stacy and Clinton are terrifying, merciless and also pretty funny. Some of the stuff they make people throw away make you wonder...as if I have any room to talk.
After spending the summer in Florida I can safely say that while I may not dress like a fashionista (what is that anyway? Is it Spanish?) I try to make the attempt not to offend anyone with my sloppiness. For instance, I reserve my holey clothes for wearing at home, unless it's just a small hole under the arm or something. If I had a garden, these shirts would be "garden shirts". This is a term my sister's and I had to come up with due to an incredibly ugly shirt our Mom passed off to Val and told her if it was too ugly she should wear it in the garden. I guess that was good advice except for the part where her plants all died due to the ugliness of that shirt.
Anyway, this is what I learned about fashion while we were in Florida based upon what I observed.
It was Star Wars weekend at Disney's Hollywood Studios, formerly known as MGM Studios and it was hot. While we were there we saw kids and adults dressed like various Star Wars characters. Jedi's were running around with those brown robes on, I saw a few Darth Vaders dressed completely in black, some people had masks on. Really? Did I mention it was hot? It was over 100 degrees with the humidity that day. All I can say is that George Lucas would have been paying me to wear that stuff in that type of heat. Crazy.
If it's really, really hot (as opposed to just really hot) and you need to go to the public swimming pool to cool off, it is perfectly fine to wear a pair of white capris so skintight that you can see your mottled skin through them. The mottling occurs because the pants should be at least two sizes too small, thus ensuring they will cut off the blood supply to your lower limbs. This fashion statement is acceptable for those who are 300 lbs or more. It would be considerate to make sure you stay away from the kiddie section so as not to frighten small children thereby causing them to drown and avoiding all the hoopla associated with that type of scenario, although it is not a requirement. I would mention that apparently it's fine to wear this with nothing on underneath except for I was trying to keep this blog so that the kids could read it if they wanted to. If you wear this to the pool, and people shout "Eeewwww" when you walk by, you might deserve it.
Since we were at Disney for awhile, there is always someone who thinks wearing black socks with Tevas, Birkenstock or Crocs is a good idea. I saw women and men doing this so apparently these types of shoes are gender neutral like they tried to make neckties a few years ago. Remember that stupidity? Just so we are clear on this, I'm not wearing a tie any sooner than I'm going to wear a dress. If men don't want to wear a tie, why would I want to? Similarly, if I'm not going to wear a dress, why would a man want to? Oops. Anyway, it's possible that I don't understand the point of these types of shoes. Personally, I wear my Birks because my feet hate to be confined in shoes and socks and if I wore a pair of flip flops I would probably get a cramp in my foot. That's another reason why I would be voted off the "What Not to Wear" island. Stacy and Clinton hate Birks don't they?
Apparently, anything goes as a swimsuit at a waterpark and that's all I'm going to say since this is supposed to be a rated G blog. At one point , I thought my eyes were going to fall out of my head when I saw some of the things people thought were acceptable to wear. And in all sizes. I mean ALL sizes. Let's put it this way, WalMart sells underwear with more coverage than some of the swimwear I saw at Blizzard Beach and Typhoon Lagoon. In fact Mike and I laughed at one suit we saw when I stated, "I want to see her go down Summit Plummet with that on." Or not. Thanks anyway.
Flip flops of all types are acceptable forms of fashion. Just ask my kids. Also, I have no room to talk since Birkenstocks really aren't that much different except for I could buy a lot more pairs of flips at WalMart for what I pay for my Birks and they generally don't make a racket when I walk in them. However, I was really surprised by the guy who was wearing flip flops with, are you sitting down? Get ready. Big reveal coming up here. Toe socks. I am not lying. I am also not lying when I say that for all of my own fashion faults, when I saw that, I did a full out laugh. The good thing about it was that someone clueless enough to wear something like that, is usually clueless enough not to think someone laughing to the point of tears is not laughing at them because what could they be doing that is so funny?
Here are a few of my own fashion rules:
1. Please look in the mirror before you leave the house and make sure what you are wearing is the right size. If it isn't people are likely to make comments such as "Nice outfit. Did they have it in your size?" Once I saw someone wearing a yellow leather skirt. These were my comments:
a. I had no idea cows came in yellow.
b. How many cows had to die to make that skirt? (it was a big, yellow leather skirt)
c. Nice skirt. I guess they didn't have it in her size.
d. Yellow? Leather? Should these two things go together?
2. If you have to ask does this make me look too ___ (big, little, short, tall, skinny, fat, etc.) then you already know the answer.
3. Don't make your husband tell you something makes you look too fat. That's what your friends are for and he's worried if he tells you the truth, you will put poison in his food next time you fix supper.
4. Certain outfits should not be made in certain sizes.
5. The federal government should make a law banning spandex from this country, all clothing made from this material and the sweatshops churning out items made with this material.
You should feel sorry for Stacy and Clinton. From what I have observed this summer, they have a lot of work to do and they need to get cracking. I'm probably the least of their worries.
Stand up
I'm a little bored with writing about the drive to Florida (because I can't remember that long ago) so I thought I'd post a copy of the stand up routine I did for the retreat we had in May (which was longer ago than the Florida trip so not writing about the trip because it was so long ago really makes no sense whatsoever).
Ahem...
That whole thing got started in a really weird way. I called and left a message on someone's answering machine stating that Mom would be able to keep the kids so I was planning on attending to do my stand up routine ("Ha ha ha, hardy har har and all that I'll see you Sunday."). The whole thing was supposed to be a joke. I might have mentioned something about olives too but this was way back at the end of April so I can't be sure about that part. Ask Phyllis.
The day after I left this silly message, there was a meeting about the retreat. We went over the schedule, who was doing what, when, who was bringing what, when, who needed a ride, etc. In the schedule there was a ten minute "surprise". I thought that was funny until I got busted on the way out to the car. Guess who the surprise was? That made me laugh for some reason.
When I got home, I told Mike that I was supposed to do a comedy act and that he couldn't tell anyone because it was supposed to be a surprise. He laughed. I mean full out laughing, red face, tears, everything. Why am I so darn funny to my husband? I hadn't even said anything, just that I was scared I might not be funny. For all I knew they were setting me up just so they could warm up their pitching arms for the upcoming softball season.
Actually, what I said was, "You're just laughing because you can't go to the women's retreat and you are worried about what I might say about you." Then he laughed harder! What?
Here's the transcript. I should have done this awhile ago because I digressed from my written script quite a bit and it was so long ago, I don't remember exactly how it really went. Thankfully, there isn't any video evidence of this on youtube as far as I know. Also, I committed two errors of public speaking 1) I lost my composure which later was pretty funny to me and 2) I jammed my hands into my pockets. At least I didn't have any loose change to rattle around. Oh. I also didn't walk around quite enough to keep people's attention. A good speaker knows not to stand still in front of the podium. I did this because "good speaker" are the operative words in that sentence and I do not resemble a good speaker by any stretch of the imagination. If you were at the retreat, you will recognize that the statement "I am not a public speaker" has to be the understatement of the year.
The theme of the retreat was "Overcoming Obstacles" so I presented a slightly different way of looking at situations that we sometimes view as obstacles.
Without further adieu (am I French all of the sudden?):
"The last time I stood in front of a group of people to speak, I was doing a demonstration speech at the University of Toledo on the esoteric and ever important topic of how to oil the valves of my trumpet. I am fairly certain I saw various people fall asleep when I announced what I was doing. At the very least, some of their eyes glazed over until I had the valves back in my horn and proceeded to blast out a perfectly in tune B(flat), much to the dismay of the slacker sleepers in the class. At any rate, let's hope this turns out to be more exciting than that fiasco.
Did you know that the word laugh is in the Bible at least three times? Here's two: Proverbs 1:26 states that "I will laugh at your calamity." I figure if God is laughing at my calamity, then maybe I should be laughing at it too, instead of worrying about it. For example, remember that commercial from a few years ago? I think it was Doritos and the tag line was "Go ahead, we'll make more." Well, Mike called the other day to say something had gone wrong with the truck. I said, "Mike, money is like a bag of Doritos, we'll make more." Instead of getting all stressed out about even more costly repairs to the truck, he was laughing when he hung up the phone.
The second verse is Luke 6:21. It states "Blessed are you that hunger now for you shall be filled. Blessed are you that weep for now you shall laugh."
Most of you don't know me very well other than perhaps, as that crazy woman who has eight kids and sits in the front of the church. We are the Deffely family. Or, as I sometimes affectionately refer to us as "Legion", for we are many (cue the rim shot here). Hopefully, when I'm done you will have a little more insight into the strange way my mind works. I'm pretty sure that if nothing else, in the end, you will have a lot more sympathy for Mike who has been charged with the task of living with me.
I cordially invite you to accompany me on a trip through my wild and wacky world.
Oh...and further along, we'll understand it all by and by.
"The Lighter Side of Obstacles"
subtitled: "Are they really obstacles or is it just our perception?"
Sometimes our family can be an obstacle.
One of my sister's friends asked Corinne if I was as silly as Val. Corinne said, "Well, my mom and Aunt Val drive my grandma crazy." Not to be outdone, my niece said, "And grandma drives them crazy."
A quote from my nephew directed towards his little brother: "I didn't even call you a bad name like idiot. You snot."
Grandma and Grandpa had a Sunday School class party to go to so they arranged for a babysitter to come and stay with my Dad and his four siblings. The kids didn't like the babysitter and thought they were old enough to stay home without one. They wanted her to leave. My grandparents had the ashes of some dead relative stored at their house. So, my Dad got the box of ashes out, told the babysitter it was Uncle So and So and proceeded to chase the babysitter out of the house. Dad chased her all around their yard while she screamed hysterically, until she finally just ran home. Surprisingly, she never babysat for my Dad, aunts and uncle again. I can only assume it was the last time grandma and grandpa got to go anywhere without their kids for a very long time.
Sometimes there are physical obstacles
My nephew went to the doctor for his physical. After getting one of his booster shots he said, "That shot didn't hurt at all. Last time I got a shot it felt like they were poking me with a needle."
My five year old nephew told his brother that he would be needing a chicken pox vaccine when he went to the doctor the next time. He reasoned that this was necessary because they had been playing with the chickens a lot.
I was talking to my friend about some silly things when I stated that most people think I'm younger than I really am. I also told her that I've never had the guts to ask someone if they think that because of how I look or if it's because of the way I act.
I got a really good "2 for" deal the other day. The nice lady at JCPenney gave me two eyebrows where once there was only one.
Bethany told my sister, "Once I ate seven bowls of cereal. The next day my tummy was so flat, I ate eleven bowls."
Sometimes our political views can be an obstacle
Bethany and I were having a conversation about the upcoming election last Fall. She said, "If I were 30 I would vote for McCain." I asked her who she would vote for if she were 18 and she promptly told me, "I would still vote for McCain even if I were 18 or 30 or even if I were GRANDMA'S age!"
My seven year old nephew said to his brother, "You want Obama or that other guy to win?" To which his five year old brother responded, "Who? Joe the Plumber?"
Sometimes our finances can be an obstacle
I received this email a couple of weeks ago:
Letter to the Bank
Dear Sirs:
One of my checks was marked insufficient funds. In view of the current events in the banking industry, does that refer to me or you?
Sometime we just don't know what the obstacle is.
I overheard a conversation at my Dad's office last week in which two people were talking about their fingernails. One of them said her nails were not balanced. She said, "Just look at them! I just had them done and they look awful. I had another tech look at them and she said the balance would have to be completely redone." As I was typing my report, I glanced down at my own fingernails and realized they had never been balanced to my knowledge and not only that, but I had no idea what "balanced fingernails" even meant. I wondered if I should be concerned about this fact. Should I worry about my nails balanced or otherwise? This was quickly followed by this thought: "I do too know what having balanced nails means. It means that I have carefully and painstakingly chewed them all off to a uniform length." Problem solved.
At the Toledo Zoo there are two vultures whom Bethany loves. She likes to stop and watch them for a long time when we visit the zoo. One day we were there while they were eating. Most people hurried on their way when they figured out it was lunchtime for the vultures. Everyone, except us. One of the vultures was strutting around when Bethany piped up with, "You big, beautiful bird! Your beak is such a pretty blue color." Apparently, Bethany did not notice the rabbit entrails hanging out of either side of the vulture's beautiful, blue beak.
Sometimes our speech or what we read can be an obstacle.
A couple of summers ago, we travelled to Gatlinburg, TN. The area around Jellico has some very steep mountains and we talked about them while we were driving through the area. A couple of weeks later, we were listening to one of the kid's CDs in the van and I heard Bethany singing about Joshua and the Battle of Jellico.
Bethany told my mom that Christ aroast on Easter Sunday.
Last week we were listening to one of the kid's CDs in the van on the way home from church. I heard Bethany singing and I said, "You know that's Joshua fit the battle of Jericho, right?" I heard her quietly say, "I don't care if it is Jericho. I already know that. I'm going to sing Jerica because I like that word better."
I was online looking for some new sandals the other day when I ran across a description that read, "When you put these gladiator sandals on, they will make you feel Roman." I really wondered about that. If you buy them, do they make you want to beat people or what?
In keeping with the sandal theme: Are the words "strappy sandals" an oxymoron? Aren't sandals, by definition, strappy?
My sister sent me a small advertisement awhile back. It read, "Fresh items are not available in all stores." What? I gotta tell you that I hope I'm shopping in the store where the fresh stuff is.
Did you hear about the one-armed man who applauded the kindness of strangers?
How about the guy who went into the sheriff's department to find out how to legally kill someone?
This is pretty funny too: The police found an open door in the back of an old warehouse. An officer went inside and called out "Marco". They found the suspect they were looking for when he responded "Polo".
Pierre
Once upon a time our parents took my sisters and I to Washington D.C. in a 12 passenger van. It had a unit that slid into the back after the seats were removed from the van. The unit had U-shaped seating with a table in the middle which could be removed and made into a bed. Mom and Dad were up front and my sisters and I were in the back of the van. Soon enough, cars were passing Dad with drivers honking their horns and waving. Other drivers were passing him and giving him funny looks which must have prompted him to ask us what we were doing. Our response was to innocently shrug our shoulders and say, "Nothing. Just sitting here." What Dad didn't know was this: On the bottom of my sister's foot, we had drawn Pierre. Pierre was a nice little character with a cute little nose, eyes, mouth and five strands of hair, I mean toes. The cup holder from the seating unit was Pierre's top hat. When cars drove past us, my sister would lay down so only Pierre was visible in the window. He had a notebook with a variety of instructions for other drivers on the Pennsylvania Pike such as: "Honk! If you are bored, tired, having fun, going to Hershey Park, going to Gettysburg, D.C., etc." Pierre also had other communications such as, "Wave if you are driving a blue car, red car, truck, etc." Some people seemed to have trouble with this one because we would hold up the blue sign and the driver of a red car would honk which of course would send us into peals of laughter "Dingbat! Don't you know what color your car is? Your car is blue! We said honk if your car is red!" Sometimes Pierre was bored on this long trip. That's when he got out the sign that read, "HELP! I AM BEING HELD HOSTAGE!" or "HELP! I AM BEING KIDNAPPED!" I guess those must have been the signs we were holding up when Dad was getting the weird looks from the other drivers. Needless to say, I wouldn't recommend trying that stunt in today's society.
I'll leave you with a couple of final thoughts:
My Grandma always told us, "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone." My Uncle Bob always said, "Small minds amuse easily." So which is it? For most of my life I've tried to figure out if I should be walking around laughing instead of weeping alone or if I do, am I admitting that I have a small mind? I'm sure the answer to that question is apparent to most of you by now.
The final "laugh" scripture is Ecclesiastes 3:4. It says, "A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." Hopefully, I haven't made anyone cry today and I bet you're really hoping that next year no one asks me to dance.
I hope you have enjoyed this time of looking at the obstacles we encounter, in a little bit different and slightly warped light.
Ahem...
That whole thing got started in a really weird way. I called and left a message on someone's answering machine stating that Mom would be able to keep the kids so I was planning on attending to do my stand up routine ("Ha ha ha, hardy har har and all that I'll see you Sunday."). The whole thing was supposed to be a joke. I might have mentioned something about olives too but this was way back at the end of April so I can't be sure about that part. Ask Phyllis.
The day after I left this silly message, there was a meeting about the retreat. We went over the schedule, who was doing what, when, who was bringing what, when, who needed a ride, etc. In the schedule there was a ten minute "surprise". I thought that was funny until I got busted on the way out to the car. Guess who the surprise was? That made me laugh for some reason.
When I got home, I told Mike that I was supposed to do a comedy act and that he couldn't tell anyone because it was supposed to be a surprise. He laughed. I mean full out laughing, red face, tears, everything. Why am I so darn funny to my husband? I hadn't even said anything, just that I was scared I might not be funny. For all I knew they were setting me up just so they could warm up their pitching arms for the upcoming softball season.
Actually, what I said was, "You're just laughing because you can't go to the women's retreat and you are worried about what I might say about you." Then he laughed harder! What?
Here's the transcript. I should have done this awhile ago because I digressed from my written script quite a bit and it was so long ago, I don't remember exactly how it really went. Thankfully, there isn't any video evidence of this on youtube as far as I know. Also, I committed two errors of public speaking 1) I lost my composure which later was pretty funny to me and 2) I jammed my hands into my pockets. At least I didn't have any loose change to rattle around. Oh. I also didn't walk around quite enough to keep people's attention. A good speaker knows not to stand still in front of the podium. I did this because "good speaker" are the operative words in that sentence and I do not resemble a good speaker by any stretch of the imagination. If you were at the retreat, you will recognize that the statement "I am not a public speaker" has to be the understatement of the year.
The theme of the retreat was "Overcoming Obstacles" so I presented a slightly different way of looking at situations that we sometimes view as obstacles.
Without further adieu (am I French all of the sudden?):
"The last time I stood in front of a group of people to speak, I was doing a demonstration speech at the University of Toledo on the esoteric and ever important topic of how to oil the valves of my trumpet. I am fairly certain I saw various people fall asleep when I announced what I was doing. At the very least, some of their eyes glazed over until I had the valves back in my horn and proceeded to blast out a perfectly in tune B(flat), much to the dismay of the slacker sleepers in the class. At any rate, let's hope this turns out to be more exciting than that fiasco.
Did you know that the word laugh is in the Bible at least three times? Here's two: Proverbs 1:26 states that "I will laugh at your calamity." I figure if God is laughing at my calamity, then maybe I should be laughing at it too, instead of worrying about it. For example, remember that commercial from a few years ago? I think it was Doritos and the tag line was "Go ahead, we'll make more." Well, Mike called the other day to say something had gone wrong with the truck. I said, "Mike, money is like a bag of Doritos, we'll make more." Instead of getting all stressed out about even more costly repairs to the truck, he was laughing when he hung up the phone.
The second verse is Luke 6:21. It states "Blessed are you that hunger now for you shall be filled. Blessed are you that weep for now you shall laugh."
Most of you don't know me very well other than perhaps, as that crazy woman who has eight kids and sits in the front of the church. We are the Deffely family. Or, as I sometimes affectionately refer to us as "Legion", for we are many (cue the rim shot here). Hopefully, when I'm done you will have a little more insight into the strange way my mind works. I'm pretty sure that if nothing else, in the end, you will have a lot more sympathy for Mike who has been charged with the task of living with me.
I cordially invite you to accompany me on a trip through my wild and wacky world.
Oh...and further along, we'll understand it all by and by.
"The Lighter Side of Obstacles"
subtitled: "Are they really obstacles or is it just our perception?"
Sometimes our family can be an obstacle.
One of my sister's friends asked Corinne if I was as silly as Val. Corinne said, "Well, my mom and Aunt Val drive my grandma crazy." Not to be outdone, my niece said, "And grandma drives them crazy."
A quote from my nephew directed towards his little brother: "I didn't even call you a bad name like idiot. You snot."
Grandma and Grandpa had a Sunday School class party to go to so they arranged for a babysitter to come and stay with my Dad and his four siblings. The kids didn't like the babysitter and thought they were old enough to stay home without one. They wanted her to leave. My grandparents had the ashes of some dead relative stored at their house. So, my Dad got the box of ashes out, told the babysitter it was Uncle So and So and proceeded to chase the babysitter out of the house. Dad chased her all around their yard while she screamed hysterically, until she finally just ran home. Surprisingly, she never babysat for my Dad, aunts and uncle again. I can only assume it was the last time grandma and grandpa got to go anywhere without their kids for a very long time.
Sometimes there are physical obstacles
My nephew went to the doctor for his physical. After getting one of his booster shots he said, "That shot didn't hurt at all. Last time I got a shot it felt like they were poking me with a needle."
My five year old nephew told his brother that he would be needing a chicken pox vaccine when he went to the doctor the next time. He reasoned that this was necessary because they had been playing with the chickens a lot.
I was talking to my friend about some silly things when I stated that most people think I'm younger than I really am. I also told her that I've never had the guts to ask someone if they think that because of how I look or if it's because of the way I act.
I got a really good "2 for" deal the other day. The nice lady at JCPenney gave me two eyebrows where once there was only one.
Bethany told my sister, "Once I ate seven bowls of cereal. The next day my tummy was so flat, I ate eleven bowls."
Sometimes our political views can be an obstacle
Bethany and I were having a conversation about the upcoming election last Fall. She said, "If I were 30 I would vote for McCain." I asked her who she would vote for if she were 18 and she promptly told me, "I would still vote for McCain even if I were 18 or 30 or even if I were GRANDMA'S age!"
My seven year old nephew said to his brother, "You want Obama or that other guy to win?" To which his five year old brother responded, "Who? Joe the Plumber?"
Sometimes our finances can be an obstacle
I received this email a couple of weeks ago:
Letter to the Bank
Dear Sirs:
One of my checks was marked insufficient funds. In view of the current events in the banking industry, does that refer to me or you?
Sometime we just don't know what the obstacle is.
I overheard a conversation at my Dad's office last week in which two people were talking about their fingernails. One of them said her nails were not balanced. She said, "Just look at them! I just had them done and they look awful. I had another tech look at them and she said the balance would have to be completely redone." As I was typing my report, I glanced down at my own fingernails and realized they had never been balanced to my knowledge and not only that, but I had no idea what "balanced fingernails" even meant. I wondered if I should be concerned about this fact. Should I worry about my nails balanced or otherwise? This was quickly followed by this thought: "I do too know what having balanced nails means. It means that I have carefully and painstakingly chewed them all off to a uniform length." Problem solved.
At the Toledo Zoo there are two vultures whom Bethany loves. She likes to stop and watch them for a long time when we visit the zoo. One day we were there while they were eating. Most people hurried on their way when they figured out it was lunchtime for the vultures. Everyone, except us. One of the vultures was strutting around when Bethany piped up with, "You big, beautiful bird! Your beak is such a pretty blue color." Apparently, Bethany did not notice the rabbit entrails hanging out of either side of the vulture's beautiful, blue beak.
Sometimes our speech or what we read can be an obstacle.
A couple of summers ago, we travelled to Gatlinburg, TN. The area around Jellico has some very steep mountains and we talked about them while we were driving through the area. A couple of weeks later, we were listening to one of the kid's CDs in the van and I heard Bethany singing about Joshua and the Battle of Jellico.
Bethany told my mom that Christ aroast on Easter Sunday.
Last week we were listening to one of the kid's CDs in the van on the way home from church. I heard Bethany singing and I said, "You know that's Joshua fit the battle of Jericho, right?" I heard her quietly say, "I don't care if it is Jericho. I already know that. I'm going to sing Jerica because I like that word better."
I was online looking for some new sandals the other day when I ran across a description that read, "When you put these gladiator sandals on, they will make you feel Roman." I really wondered about that. If you buy them, do they make you want to beat people or what?
In keeping with the sandal theme: Are the words "strappy sandals" an oxymoron? Aren't sandals, by definition, strappy?
My sister sent me a small advertisement awhile back. It read, "Fresh items are not available in all stores." What? I gotta tell you that I hope I'm shopping in the store where the fresh stuff is.
Did you hear about the one-armed man who applauded the kindness of strangers?
How about the guy who went into the sheriff's department to find out how to legally kill someone?
This is pretty funny too: The police found an open door in the back of an old warehouse. An officer went inside and called out "Marco". They found the suspect they were looking for when he responded "Polo".
Pierre
Once upon a time our parents took my sisters and I to Washington D.C. in a 12 passenger van. It had a unit that slid into the back after the seats were removed from the van. The unit had U-shaped seating with a table in the middle which could be removed and made into a bed. Mom and Dad were up front and my sisters and I were in the back of the van. Soon enough, cars were passing Dad with drivers honking their horns and waving. Other drivers were passing him and giving him funny looks which must have prompted him to ask us what we were doing. Our response was to innocently shrug our shoulders and say, "Nothing. Just sitting here." What Dad didn't know was this: On the bottom of my sister's foot, we had drawn Pierre. Pierre was a nice little character with a cute little nose, eyes, mouth and five strands of hair, I mean toes. The cup holder from the seating unit was Pierre's top hat. When cars drove past us, my sister would lay down so only Pierre was visible in the window. He had a notebook with a variety of instructions for other drivers on the Pennsylvania Pike such as: "Honk! If you are bored, tired, having fun, going to Hershey Park, going to Gettysburg, D.C., etc." Pierre also had other communications such as, "Wave if you are driving a blue car, red car, truck, etc." Some people seemed to have trouble with this one because we would hold up the blue sign and the driver of a red car would honk which of course would send us into peals of laughter "Dingbat! Don't you know what color your car is? Your car is blue! We said honk if your car is red!" Sometimes Pierre was bored on this long trip. That's when he got out the sign that read, "HELP! I AM BEING HELD HOSTAGE!" or "HELP! I AM BEING KIDNAPPED!" I guess those must have been the signs we were holding up when Dad was getting the weird looks from the other drivers. Needless to say, I wouldn't recommend trying that stunt in today's society.
I'll leave you with a couple of final thoughts:
My Grandma always told us, "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone." My Uncle Bob always said, "Small minds amuse easily." So which is it? For most of my life I've tried to figure out if I should be walking around laughing instead of weeping alone or if I do, am I admitting that I have a small mind? I'm sure the answer to that question is apparent to most of you by now.
The final "laugh" scripture is Ecclesiastes 3:4. It says, "A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." Hopefully, I haven't made anyone cry today and I bet you're really hoping that next year no one asks me to dance.
I hope you have enjoyed this time of looking at the obstacles we encounter, in a little bit different and slightly warped light.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)