Shhhh! Ya gotta sneak! It's supposed to be a secret! I am going to be a secret sister soon. Try saying this really fast three or four times: sneaky secret sister soon! I have never done this before but I was coerced into doing it this year. Not really, but I don't get to use the word "coerced" very often so I thought I'd just write that. All together now, "coerced". It's fun isn't it?
I am already failing at being a Secret Sister. Here's why: In order to be one, you have to fill out a questionnaire. I was able to answer the first two questions very easily.
Name.
Address.
After that it started to get dicey. The next question asked about my hobbies. I started writing down some things and then realized I was listing HABITS, not hobbies. I wondered why someone would want to know that I chew my fingernails! Oh boy. I got a minus one on the test already and there's only about ten questions!
Clearly, I needed to concentrate more. And I probably needed to put some medicine in my eye for that stupid infection that I've had for what seems like the past 15 years, but in reality has only been about five weeks now. My Grandma used to say I exaggerate a lot.
Hobbies. After wracking my brain for awhile, I came up with a pretty impressive list of two things. Since we were given four lines to write out our hobbies, I didn't know if this was enough so I had to think some more. This required me to walk around the house, crack my back, read a boo....wow...I have a reading hobby and cracking my back habit. I wrote down reading, but left off back cracking since that seemed to be off topic and far be it from me to go off topic. See above paragraph.
The next question was simple. What is your favorite color? Yay, I can answer that. My favorite color is blue of course. That's because in our family, almost everyone is born with the Blue Gene. The purpose of this gene is two-fold: the recipient of said gene likes the color blue and most of the Blue Gene recipients also have blue eyes. I only got 1.25% of the Blue Gene instead of the full two. This is evidenced by the fact that my favorite color is blue, but my eyes are some bizarre color that sometimes resemble gray, sometimes green and sometimes blue depending on what day of the week it is, what I am wearing, whether or not it's leap year or a month ending with the letter "r". Lately though, one of my eyes has been red because of that stupid infection I was talking about, so I've also been using it to scare the kids into good behavior. "If you don't straighten up, I'll make you look at my eye." Kids: "MOM! GROSS!" and then they run away from me which isn't hard to do since I have a bum eye. You can see this method of discipline is extremely effective.
Moving along...
Next question: Favorite author. Are you kidding me? You really can only list one because it's a short line. My line is still blank because I have a lot of authors I like and I'm going to have to walk around the house, crack my back a lot and sharpen my pencil before I can concentrate long enough to decide what to write on that line.
The sixth question asked about collections. Collections? That's where Gweedo, Looeegee, or maybe Stanley, from the We Are About To Take All of Your Money Medical Billing Corporation calls to ask if you plan on paying the doctor for fixing your eye, right? I think he said something to the effect of, "Better pay up right now or we will come and get your eye." Wow. Is it even legal to repo someone's eye for Pete's sake? I suppose under Obamacare anything is possible. Needless to say, I sent them a check for more than enough for TWO eyes. Your sight isn't anything to mess around with you know. Also, if they repo my eye, I'm going to have to erase my hobby stuff because I won't be able to see to do it anymore. Then I'm going to have to get a bad grade on my Secret Sister Test which will probably force the poor Secret Sister Organizer into figuring out how to grade everyone's test on a curve.
It occurred to me that perhaps I should read the question again, which is when I discovered that it really asks whether or not I collect items and if so what are they? Oh. Obviously, they were not asking about medical bills; minus two, for those keeping track; minus three if you count the blank author question. I had to get up and walk around the house to find out if I collect any items. Here's what I found out: Yes. Yes, I do in fact collect things. Apparently, I collect dust bunnies, dirty dishes and LOTS of paper. Probably dirty clothes too, but I was limiting my meandering to the first floor of the house. If I went into the basement I could probably add spiders, their webs and the occasional bat to the collections list.
After listing my dust bunny collection, I was asked about routine struggles that could be prayed about. I could probably write a book on that one, but I limited myself to the top five struggles. Among my struggles is a fear of dust bunnies because they are pure evil you know. They breed and are unruly and hide in places such as under the bed even though there's a dust ruffle on it to deter them and also on books, even though there are dust jackets on them to keep the book warm and to ward off dust bunnies. You can't trust dust bunnies so I'm afraid of them to be perfectly honest. I listed this as one of my struggles: Overcome fear of dust bunnies.
The next two questions were easy and did not require walking around or any back cracking:
Birthday.
Anniversary.
I even listed the year I was born because I simply don't care how old I am or who knows it. Admittedly, from time to time I worry about people knowing from this standpoint: Because of the Female Fear of Age Disclosure Gene that apparently most women are born with, I sometimes wonder if, when people know how old I am, they wonder why on earth I am not more mature. I imagine more mature people disdainfully intoning, "She's HOW old? She certainly doesn't act like it." Also, sometimes I compare myself with other people around my age (43) and I think, "Wow, I act like I'm about seven compared to that person; mayyyyyybe twelve on a good day." Should I worry about that? I thought maybe I should list it under routine struggles, so I erased one of my other ones and wrote "Struggles to act mature in most situations."
The next to last question was to list my favorite scripture. I started to write something down and then I immediately thought of another passage and started to write that down, then another one came to mind and another and...I think you get the picture. I'm going to have to be careful when I decide which scripture to write down because the paper is very thin from all of that erasing. It looks like the kid's math papers on a bad day! I'm also going to need to sprint around the house, crack my back and sharpen at least five pencils in order to concentrate long enough to settle on just one scripture. I wonder if I should attach a separate piece of paper and list a favorite scripture based upon whatever happens to be going on in my life at the time? Probably not, the line is pretty small so I think it's really only supposed to be one. I also didn't see anything that said, "use separate sheet of paper if necessary." which is why I am blogging about it instead.
The last question is "what else will help me surprise and support you in the coming months?" This one is very hard and there are a lot of lines to fill out, so I feel a lot of pressure over this question. Should I say, I've never had a singing telegram before so that would be pretty funny? Or, I could use about three more hours in the day if you can figure out how to arrange that. I've never driven a '57 robin's egg blue T-bird, I haven't been to Hawaii yet, or on a cruise. All of these things would surprise me, but I sort of think the only "support" this list would bring would be to encourage my myriad delusional thinking processes. I honestly don't know how to answer this question, but I better hurry up and get it figured out since I have to give this paper to the Secret Sister Organizer in less than 48 hours and if I don't answer this one I am at minus four on the test! That's flunking! On the other hand, if anyone could actually flunk the Top Secret Sister Questionnaire, it would probably be me.
The rest of what is on the questionnaire is for official use only and cannot be disclosed here because I am not an official. Plus, it's sort of boring because all it says is, assigned to, notified, file copy and original. Oops. At any rate, I don't have an official badge, car, laptop, uniform, ID number, nor do I play an official on TV. Officially, I am just me. What you see is what my poor family has had to endure all these years. Maybe I should list that under routine struggles as well. Never mind, it's supposed to be MY struggles, not my family's. They can get their own questionnaire.
You should probably feel sorry for the poor soul who gets sentenced to be my Secret Sister. If her life isn't complicated enough already, I'm sure it will be by the time she gets done reading my test.
So far, I have about a 43% on the questionnaire, but that's a secret.
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