The puzzle that has taken over the last few months of my life is finally taking shape. The picture has become clearer as time has moved us ever onward, away from the events leading up to September 12, 2011, and the final pieces will slip into place in the near future. The picture of this phase of my life is almost complete.
When Dad died and everything seemed to fall apart, I kept praying, (ok, honestly, it was begging) for God to show me what I was supposed to be learning from everything that had transpired. I asked for Him to write it on the wall, show me in the Bible, show me through Mike, show me through Tim's sermons, show me through BSF, show me through friends and family, show me through quiet meditation just exactly what I am supposed to learn from everything that seemed so out of control. What am I missing? What lessons can I teach my kids through this?
I didn't understand.
I was hurt.
Others around me were hurting.
I'm a fixer, but I couldn't fix this.
I did not want to say or do something to cause further hurt to someone else.
There were times when I couldn't stop the tears.
Times when I doubted absolutely everything except for two things: God's faithfulness to me and trusting Mike to keep things going.
I begged God to let others see Him through me.
I was afraid of making mistakes that could jeopardize someone else's journey to finding a relationship with God.
But my tenuous hold on control had slipped out of my hands and everything seemed to spiral downward. Control is an illusion anyway, and while I understand this, when everything collapses at one time, I start trying to grab for it wherever I can. Dumb. God is in control. I know this. I believe this. But tensions were high and so much seemed...wrong. Walking on Grief Road, people say and do things that don't make sense, unless you are the one saying or doing them. Since we all have different relationships with the person who has died, since we all have different personalities, we all grieve differently. What makes sense to one person is ludicrous to someone else, possibly even offensive to them and I had to constantly remind myself of this simple truth.
One of the most difficult things I have experienced in this process is in trying to remember that someone else is probably reacting in grief, not in deliberate ways to cause hurt. For me, this has been almost has hard as standing by the bedside watching Dad take his last breath and waiting for his heart to stop as it beat endlessly on after that breath, almost as difficult as watching him shed yellow tears, almost as difficult as watching his blue eyes never open again even though he was still alive, almost as difficult as trying to discern what he was saying the last day he was conscious and was virtually unable to talk anymore, almost as difficult as watching one of the strongest men I have ever known lay so sick in a hospital bed.
The answers came, bit by bit, in the still of the night or in the sunny, strange winter we have had this year, through kind words spoken by friends, songs at church, the smile of someone confined to a wheelchair, through helping someone else, through the baptism of my son. All of these things combined to open my ears to hear God say, "See, T? I'm here and I'm still in control. Watch."
He said:
Trust, T. Are you going to really trust me? I might ask you to give up your house. I might ask you to give up homeschooling. I might ask you to give up absolutely everything, including your family, your job, your health, Mike's health. I might strip everything away that you are relying on. Will you trust Me then, when everything is gone?
Patience, T. Patience has never been a strong quality of yours. Can you be patient and allow Me to do my will? Can you be still and know?
Rest, T. Can you trust me enough and be patient enough to rest in Me? Being able to fully rest in Me, requires trust and patience. Can you do it?
The writing on the wall came with these truths spoken to my sometimes out of control, worried, mind. When the "what if's" came, I learned to shut them down. I learned to say, "Yes, maybe that will happen, but what if, just for one minute, you entertain that letting go is what God wants for right now?" I learned to be able to say, "A, B, or C might happen, but what if when you let A, B, or C go, that D is a better option? What if that's the way God wants you to go, but He can't do that until you are willing to give up what you are holding tightly in your fist?
So, I learned to let it go.
I learned to say:
If it costs my family, I will still follow you, God.
If it means giving up the house, then I will believe there's something else out there for us.
If my job is gone, then I will believe there's something else that I am supposed to be doing.
If every single thing crumbles in my hands, then I will still believe that You, God, are the One in control, not me.
I'm not perfect at this and acknowledge that I never will be. I still doubt and wonder and sometimes worry, but the rest and perfect peace that came when I opened my tightly clenched fists, let go of what i was holding onto and fully trusted God in the middle of all of this is unmistakable.
I believe that the final pieces of this particular puzzle will be revealed soon and then there will be another puzzle to work on. With God's help, I hope I remember the lessons of this one to take with me as we work on the next one.
Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
Matthew 11:28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Isaiah 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.
Romans 12:10-12 Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;
11 Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;
12 Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;
Isaiah 25:8 He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD hath spoken it.
Revelation 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
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