I hate keys. One must carry so many of them. My Dad is the King of Keys. He even has a crown and a scepter to prove it. Although it's not really a scepter, it's more like a 25 lb. keyring with hundreds of keys, all mocking, teasing, just like the keys on the floor of my van. "Hey Bob, I'm the one that will unlock the house in TN, or am I? And while we're at this little game Bob, remember that you are too far away to turn back now if I'm not the right key." (insert maniacal laugh track here) "Hey Bob, do you think I'm the key that will unlock the file cabinet that everyone else lost the keys to?" On and on it goes with each additional lock adding to the cacophony of the keyring. Also, Dad's crown isn't really a crown either. It's a paper hat he got for being customer of the month at the Krispy Kreme in Pigeon Forge. They made him honorary donut maker or something like that. He's good at it too. If you order the original glazed donuts, you won't need to worry about getting shorted on your glaze. Your donuts will be swimming in the deep end of the glaze pool. Here's proof:
Mistake #1: I relaxed the rule. The rule is if you do not have a driver's license then you may not have the keys to any motor vehicle. Sometimes rule #1B states "on occasion, even if you DO have a driver's license you may not have the keys if I have had to help you look for them at any time in the past 30 days. Professional Drivers may be exempted from rule 1B at the discretion of this writer." Regardless, we happened to be at the church picnic and one of the kids NEEDED something out of the van. "OK, but you better bring me back these keys immediately." The immediate return of the keys ended up being an immediate notification that the keys were securely locked inside the van. I awarded partial credit for this.
Mistake #2: Paying for AAA. For $175 we have three yearly memberships to AAA. We have never called them in the 18 months that we have had it. On the day of the key incident, I thought, "So, the keys are locked in the van. No big deal, I'll just call AAA. That's why we bought it right?" Apparently, AAA is sort of like car insurance: When something happens and you need to use it, you are terrified to make the call.
Mistake #3: Locking my wallet in the van with the keys. It seemed like a good idea at the time. After all, there's no money in my wallet, real or plastic, so why haul it around in my pocket? Plus, most of the picnics I attend do not require admission so it was really unnecessary to have it. That is, until the keys were in the van and my wallet with the AAA card was also securely locked in the van; with me on the outside staring longingly at them. Once again, those nasty keys and now, the wallet began mocking me. Teasing. Irritatingly, relentless. Jeering. Flat out bullying. These items were proving how much control they had over my life at the moment and I did not like it Sam I am. I do not like these key for the van. I do not like them Sam I am. I do not like them in my pockets, I do not like these keys for rockets, I do not like them in a can and I do not like them locked in my van!
Mistake #3: Believing AAA when they said they were "experiencing an unusually high call volume and I would be on hold for at least 15 minutes but not more than 20." OK. I can handle that. At least they were polite enough to tell me what the outside parameter was going to be. Guess what? AAA lies.
Mistake #4: Locking the keys inside the van on a holiday weekend. Bad move. For some reason known only to AAA, when I called them from Michigan, they routed my call to Quebec. At first I wondered how this was going to work since the only French I know is "say la vee". Yes, I know it's spelled wrong. I did it that way so everyone can pronounce it. This cute little phrase was something I used quite regularly when I was in high school and well into my 20's; mostly in an attempt to annoy the daylights out of my sisters. To a certain extent it worked with them so I was sort of afraid of how it would go over with the French AAA representative.
Mistake #5: Believing that it wouldn't matter that it was a holiday weekend because my call had been routed to Canada. It's Labor Day weekend. Canada does not celebrate the United States' liberation from labor on the first Monday of September so I thought I would be fine. Guess not. Remember the "less than 20 minute hold time"? Like I said, they lied and I guess Canadians really do celebrate Labor Day because they never answered the phone. Never. And their muzak was terrible too.
What I did Right
Right Decision #1: Deciding to go get the car and drive home to get the spare key. I decided I'd go get the other key but I wasn't excited about driving without my license. After 14 people asked me where I was going (because I am the comic relief and no one could bear to see me leave...just kidding!), one of the men said, "Don't do that, let's see if we can get the van open." OK. We can probably use the baseball bat after the game gets over, except then I'd have to make that dreaded call to the insurance company.
That's all I did right. After that it was all in A1's and A2's hands. In case you were wondering, The A Team has made a comeback only they don't have snow white hair, drive a tricked out Jeep or sport 17 lbs. of gold jewelry. Well, one of them might drive a Jeep. Anyway, they were self professed "hoods", "thugs" and I forget what else. A2 said, "A1 isn't ghetto enough to get that door open." I think it was a challenge, a line in the sand, a throwing down of the gauntlet. I began to think this was going to be a cutthroat competition similar to the baseball game that had been going on at least since Noah's flood. Maybe it was only nine innings though. I lost track while I was waiting for the French Foreign Legion to come and open my door because their music was so b o r i n g. And terrible. Say la vee.
We obtained one plastic coated coat hanger and after pulling the door open as far as it would go (while I secretly hoped the van was really feeling some pain during this maneuver), A & A Locksmiths managed to snake that mangled coat hanger past the weather stripping and right next to the door lock.
The door lock mocked me too. And A1. And A2. But only for a little while.
The A Team was not intimidated by it. I started looking around for something to smash the window with again, just in case. A1 is an engineer and maybe A2 is too, I honestly don't know. I only know they just kept tweaking that hanger with A1's needle nose pliers. Where did those come from? I guess he probably didn't lock his keys in his van and had access to a toolbox. There was a lot of conversation about the correct angle and the type of hook that should be fashioned. There was a lot of patience going on too, but at one point I think the keys started mocking them as well.
Eventually, the right angle was achieved on the coat hanger and the correct hook was formed. A1 pulled the door open as far as it would go and A2 snaked the hanger through the door and yanked up on the lock, making it look just as easy as smashing the window with the baseball bat would have been; except for the part about contending with the insurance company.
I heard the Hallelujah chorus, thought the angels were singing and then realized it was coming from AAA's muzak. I hate how marketers and muzak composers keep moving Christmas up further and further each year. One of these days, Christmas is going to be from December 25 until December 24.
Someone tossed me the keys and then asked if I wanted to lock the doors. No. Not really. I mean I know I have the keys in my hands now, but I don't trust them. You can never trust a key. There are too many of them and a lot of them look alike. They are bullys. So, no, I guess let's just leave the doors unlocked for now.
Next year when AAA sends me a bill to renew our membership, I'm going to decline. I'll just call the A Team aka A & A Locksmiths instead. Either that or I'll invest in a baseball bat which will be securely locked in the van with the keys and my wallet and while I wait for someone to get the van open, I'll just enjoy one of Dad's donuts with extra glaze.
Thanks for getting my keys out of the van A & A Locksmiths!
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